Week 17: Seeking Clarification

"Communication is the key to success." At some stage in our lives we were taught that there is no such thing as a dumb question.  If its one thing that I've learned in my plight to seek understanding on given topics it's that repeating the same sentence over and over again will not lead to a clearer understanding of an agenda item.  In order to grasp a firmer understanding of a common goal, the end product should be clearly communicated in order to be visualized. Some may agree that when working backwards from the projected outcome it could be the more effective method of moving forward. When working with others this may require a tiny bit of patience but when that wears thin it can be a disaster. 

Truthfully, picking apart a reason why someone may be seeking clarification is unwarranted and unnecessary, especially in the professional realm.  If an individual is reaching out to say, I don't understand or is "x" what you are looking for then a positive way to handle it is to try to understand what the other person is looking to accomplish rather than a dismissal.  Admittedly there are those cases where there is freedom to figure out a project on your own and allow for great creativity to get the job done, however in the instance where there is a specific task with a specific end goal, let's be very clear.  This is where the trouble stems in consistently repeating the same thing over again- it is a waste of time.  Chances are, if the first communication wasn't successful --- saying it again isn't going to do the trick.  When I've been put into this position, I try to come up with different ways to communicate the projected outcome or potential obstacles and I suppose I am guilty of wanting the same.  I have to say that I admire those who work in technical positions where even though each project is unique, the result is the same...such as creating a website. The challenge stems from what the website is to offer in terms of graphics and backgrounds, design layouts and formats--the languages used to create the script, whether it should be run with Java or Flash, is it W3C compliant --does it fit the format of web 2.0? Overall, the end product is to create a website--and if you meet the needs of your client then all is well at the end of the day. This is not to say that this work is any less difficult because it seems like it can be pretty tricky but ultimately the project was given because the creator is capable of achieving this end goal.  I find that its the small projects that are tedious and time consuming and the catalyst of all frustrations, similar to a paper-cut which hurts more than a scrape as an example.  Granted, if the person you are communicating with is your boss, then requesting advice on how to do your job is probably not a good idea --but when working with a colleague I'd say, that's open room for a discussion because working as a team effectively means working together.  This also holds true to friendships, relationships and family communications because your team is the circle you keep in your life.

Week 14: Faith in the Valley

I worked my first and only retail job after completing my bachelor's degree--- I worked for L'Occitane a French bath and body company that had appealed to me since high school.  I decided that if I were going to be successful in life that I was going to have to make myself uncomfortable in order to set the proper tone for the job I really wanted, so I worked at Roosevelt Field Mall.  I turned down a job as a Case Worker in the Bronx, because I knew that everyday I would drive home back to the suburbs of Long Island torn apart from the brokenness I would have encountered every day. One of the policies of the job was that after dark, we were prohibited in certain locations and to be honest, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted a job like that.  I've always been a people person and genuinely enjoy helping others... but realized that your first job out of college may set the tone for the rest of your life-- so I aimed high, stating that I wanted to work for an international organization and desired to make nothing less than x amount of dollars--because why start low?? I'm worth it. Mission accomplished... I have been with this organization for about five years and from previous blogs you may have gathered that I leave work every day feeling unfulfilled because I would've liked to believe that I have outgrown this position and further I have a lot to offer and my strengths and qualities don't apply... clearly it ain't over till the fat lady sings--I'm still there.


For the last three years, during the Lenten time period of reflection, I've
chosen to detox... and this cycle, unlike the rest is different, because I finally own my time. I am finished with graduate school, so hours of homework with deadlines are behind me... class schedules no longer fit into my weekly routine...and past relationships? Well, I'm single.  Due to funding restraints I have decided to visit Long Island, once every other week... which stinks because I love my family and love spending time with them.  Truthfully in this new found time and freedom-- I've given myself the opportunity to actually participate in my life.  I have been ignoring it ---with bills brushed into a basket and unopened letters with important information. Really? I thought at one point I was stuck in a rut, but really... rather than living my life... my life was living me and wearing me out.  It feels good to finally give it the attention it deserves.  During dark times, I would spend my mornings getting ready for work listening to India Arie, my favorite lyricist-- in one of the many songs that I listened to repeatedly was Back to the Middle where she emphasized that when you fall down don't make anything of it because when you are in that valley you can see both sides more clearly... the rut was actually the opportunity to analyze and re-group...but a stagnant period doesn't just go away since no matter what distraction comes to the forefront to take your mind off of personal responsibilities--when the short lived euphoria wears off your problems are still right there where you began.  So solve them... and come back to the middle.

As far as valleys go, Iyanla Vanzant, a spiritual teacher and author of Faith in the Valley: Lessons for Women on the Journey to Peace, wrote something to the effect that: "When your life and affairs are in order you can accept the blessings stored in the hidden places." This isn't a direct quote-- I read the book six years ago...but it has stayed with me this long, therefore there must be some truth to it.  In my clear state I have done just that.  The small step in bringing my life and affairs in order is actually a huge movement on my behalf. I am pulling out every piece of paper that I have and going through it and re-claiming my life. "You can't find a clear head in the midst of chaos..." I come home every day immediately after work and cook dinner... I drink morning coffee before I go to work and spend less than $5.00 on lunch every day, I go to bed at a decent hour every night and drink a lot of tea to soothe my soul...and lots more water too.  I feel good and I'm not bored, but it is a little hard.

As I aim to conquer this chapter and move on to the next, I have more talks with myself and admit that my plans have changed and furthermore that its okay... inspired by a friend's blog.   I am thankful for the lessons learned and embrace them wholeheartedly.  I give life more value today than ever before--- it is only now after being smacked in the face by the rapid speed at which time flies that I can understand that if I don't step up and be present... my gift will be snatched away without notice...and there will be no way to retrieve it.

Week 13: Positively black.

I love my sisters and brothers of the African Disapora. 

I've been afforded the beautiful opportunity to be raised in a community where those who have exceled and achieved have more often than not turned around and encouraged me to have a high standard on life, black history, black achievements and the positive reinforcement of being proud to be me.  Further, the understanding that blackness comes in all different shades and to embrace it wholeheartedly...even further -to unify with my kin to achieve g r e a t n e s s.  These ideals set forth by some 5o + mentors that existed in my community and beyond have stayed with me throughout the course of time.  Many, belonging to the Mother's Club- a group founded 30 years ago, when a band of women came together to dispute the closing of a local elementary school--leading to the lifelong committment to community activism in and around the school disctrict since, "it takes a whole village, to raise a child." Their idea was that the children involved in the community needed to know that whatever direction they faced, there was always someone in their corner.  A beautiful mission and still very much alive today.

When I was little, I can remember taking field trips to the Schomberg Center for Research in Black Culture, a trip to the Apollo Theatre on 125th street in Harlem ending with a meal at Sylvia's ... Going to see The Wiz on broadway, celebrating black history all throughout the year and even learning about Kwanzaa... (Habari Ghani).  Though not limited to these activities, growing up in a place where a network of postive people like this exists was certainly memorable and I'd say not to be taken for granted.  It was like growing up in one big old family. 

Annually, the Mother's Club celebrates women by hosting a women's day luncheon, today marking the 20th anniversary of this event.  The theme-appreciating the past in order to work positively and more effectively toward the future, similar to Sankofa, meaning "go back and take." Our keynote speaker,  Roslyn M. Brock, the current chairperson of the NAACP and might I add the youngest, offered positive messages in conjunction with Risco Mention-Lewis, founder of Love U University---challenging whether you know where you're going to... and not to be afraid to seek to achieve your dreams. I can admit having attended this event 19 out of 20 times, that in the awkward development years, I didn't always want to go but I can firmly say today, that I'm extremely fortunate to have grown up around these women. Of course, over the years, the group has evolved and mother's have moved on there is a new generation, but the mission is still one the same.  To be in this room with these beautiful women annually is inspiring and a privilege and the tally for today was a little over 400 women.

Other memorable moments include, annual picnics, theme parks... my lifelong friends and when I was finishing undergrad, the voicemail I got on my phone from one of the mother's in my darkest moment just called to say how proud she was... I cried--it meant a lot.  Not to seem too cliche, but I will attest that it really does "take a whole village to raise a child."

Confession: 52 Week Project

Making time for yourself can be difficult during the week.  The last few weeks, I haven't been allocating enough time to life and find myself writing blogs in the subway on my cell phone--so, I've got a bunch of excerpts that could be put out today... but why would I do that?  That's not very beneficial to my development. So I admit it... I'm not going to put anything out until I can sit down and finish what I want to say--- the way I want to say it--without having to do it for the sake of this deadline. The 52 week project is for positive reason only.

Week 10: Bumming Around NYC

"Can you please spare some change so I can get something to eat please...?" exclaims a man that stands in the same spot daily,  rather well dressed if I might add and only slightly rough around the edges. As cold as it may sound, every day I pass him and only once looked him in his face.--after the tenth plea for help. You've got to admit that New York is full of some stone cold stunners-- but honestly in this regard I will say freely that I don't want to support this man. Whatever his position in life-- there is no job below him-- therfore as I hustle and bustle to go to my job--- I have to wonder why he doesn't do the same. Sweep a floor-- fix a sink - clean a toilet or sell some coffee. Pan handling should not be rewarded without visible effort. Waking up in the morning and standing at the entrance of the subway isn't enough.

I understand that there are significant trials and tribulations faced when dealing with government programs--- but there are food pantries, churches and other places to go and be fed. Maybe if he said-- can I please have some change so I can pay my rent--- I'm in danger of being evicted-- but to stand there daily and ask for money to eat--- even articulately and sometimes cop an attitude when nobody listens says... I know there are other alternatives but it's easier to just ask you-- so I will stand here and wait patiently till you give it to me. If I gave him $.70 a day he'd have $255 at the end of the year. That's a lot of money. I don't aim to seem as though I don't have a heart or care, but I just don't beleive him and further those commuting within the underground metro can attest that there will be at least two people asking for money on the way to destination x. How is anyone to differentiate between who to donate to versus keep enough change  in pocket to feed ms. Piggy bank later in the day.

Week 9: A Progress Report

The pledge of allegiance to Andrea in big lights is still in the beginning stages but rapidly! It is March 1st!!!!!!!!!! The last month of the first quarter.

For those just now tuning in, I have been challenged to 52 weeks of writing. This means that at least once per week I have to exercise my finger tips doing something I love. I have made a public commitment on pledgehammer.com to hold me accountable for this endeavor. If I do not complete this challenge then I will have to donate $75 to one of the following organizations: ActionAid, PDSA - for pets in need of vets, Torture Care, The World Land Trust, SOS Children's Village in Keila, Estonia --to help those challenged in other ways.

Having the opportunity to share my thoughts has been most rewarding. The highlight of each week. I can hardly work my digits fast enough for all of the ideas formulated in my mind and  I don't plan on walking around with a tape recorder attached to my belt.... I've got to begin documenting these topics and making the time to research and outline what I would like to say.  

Other updates from previous blog entries include, the Be Fly in July Weight Watchers Challenge. F A I L. I never joined weight watchers, although I have successfully started eating healthier, cooking my own food and shed about 5 pounds, so even though I didn't fill the hands of Valerie Bertinelli or Jennifer Hudson these days, I saved a bunch of cash for me to do other things. Like... pay taxes and debt and crap like that. I'm schiffzing.

Anyway- cheers :)

Week 8: To Hold Nothing Back

Breathe in...

Hold it in for three seconds...

Breathe out...

In the moment of exhale, I have proclaimed that "I will not hesitate to be," Making reference to the day's passage in the The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo.   At 12:43 AM this morning, my friend through life asked if I read the passage for 23 February. I hadn't at that stage, naturally because I was fast asleep and happily, since the night before I did not have much of it. 

I am touched by this passage in a book that initially, I wrote off as too preachy and didn't want much to do with.  Here's the quote that stuck out the most:

 "I have discovered, again and again, that I usually know what I need to do but just deny it, and it is this small hesitation, this small resistance to enter what is real, that makes life feel neutral or out of reach."

The emotions involved directly relate to the previous blog post-- Press Esc Key on this Endless Loop, reminding me of the movie Groundhog's Day. And so I blink my eyes, and the days accelerate --- and pass me by as the clouds in the sky, the reality is that its the same day repeating itself... over and over...and over again.

It is not enough to simply manage daily life-- but rather take full action and implement all that you want to see. Today. Not tomorrow or the day after. I definitely live in denial.   I SAID IT!  I was going through some very important paperwork recently, that I received in August.  Stunned, I muttered to myself that it was a shame, that I was just now beginning to deal with it.  Seven months?  Talk about avoidance---and I refuse to go into further details about the other areas that exist on this list. One of my favorite people has a personal mantra to "live life." Simply put, but powerful and we've become great friends because of it.

"To be or not to be, that is the question." --- Obviously.

I am a 28 year old woman with a lot of goals and many desires and no real plan of action... There's a plan... but its not in the stages of implementation.  Its as if I am sitting here waiting for life to happen--and all that happens is a disappearing act.  Did somebody call Houdini? Maybe I need to call Terry McMillan over for some chocolate martinis so we can chat about what comes next.  She won't be able to write it, but I will-- perhaps I will stop making lists, because they are growing more ineffective by the day. I'm so busy waiting to exhale that my face has changed to the hue of blue.  Today, I've come up for air and have been inspired to hold nothing back as "it is the invisible hitch that keeps me from joy."

Thanks to the person who shared this book with me. :)

Week 7: Love and Other Odds and Ends

Happy Valentines Day!!! :)

Love is in the air as spring is on the horizon. Depending on your relationship status, great friends or love of self you may have plans for this February 14th.

In years past, I used to proclaim that Valentine's day was just another hallmark holiday meant to satisfy capitalist America. I'm not so oppositional these days or seemingly bitter because I have lots of love in my life and even moreso a firm appreciation of those I love. In fact I am at peace with romantic love, love of the self, love of friends and family.  Its a big statement considering there was a time, I thought I was broken or unable to feel it... I've lightened up a bit in my years and thankfully my family no longer refers to me as "hard hearted Hanna." I was ruthless and not boastfully so. Love was professed and I just couldn't reciprocate. In fact, one day a former boyfriend from college said those three magical words and I had planned to call it quits on that very day.

Burned.

I felt really bad and I can assure there was no mal-intent - he was sweet as pie... it just wasn't working out.  He's happily married now and a Neurologist, and I have no regrets because what looks good on paper isn't particularly the best thing for long term commitment.

If you've noticed in this blog-spot, I rarely mention love because, well--- I was in a relationship and having a public view can be a little tricky and if it's one thing that was learned from an early age (11 to be exact), it's that everyone has an opinion on the one you date. The reality is that no-one is able to understand the connection between you and another.
Unless an opinion is solicited, there should be no comment--so shut it otherwise be prepared to swallow that advice. Sometimes friends are there to set the record straight and other times the information provided is the most awful, hypocritical and even damaging advice, so beware. All in all, you should still consider how your significant has been portrayed in the light of the important people of your life----or really, who you're asking. (Do they have their wits about them, Are they happy?) Think about whether you represent your love to the best of your ability or whether you believe that a fair assessment could be conducted based on the information provided. If accepting bids on people's thoughts... take it with a grain of salt---use your brain, use your heart and always trust your gut!
 
Love for another is absolutely beautiful, special and amazing.  Better than that is loving yourself...  I can agree with the following quote:

"It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." 

 

Of course, there are times when love sucks---and you just want to scratch out the eyeballs of someone just for the sake of having to deal with the enormous amount of ehem, shall we say GROWTH!?  But all in all, if its right... and I don't mean socially acceptable, I mean if its right for you-- cherish it and be willing to go to war for it because wouldn't you want your partner to do the same?
 
If you're planning on having a hot and steamy date night, keeping it low key with some wine and chinese food or just snuggling next to someone you care about, even your pillow while watching your favorite romantic comedy...enjoy your day! Valentine's day doesn't have to be overrated... or a bummer...or just another capitalist holiday--it can be the one day you OUTWARDLY proclaim your emotion to the WORLD about the ones you love...including yourself while all the rest of the days keeping it central amongst each other, where it should be.
 
Cheers to love.
XOXOXOXO

Week 6: Conquering a Set of Inner Doors

This morning in the quiet moments of awakening, I felt imbalanced and a little un-nerved by some internal thoughts that have plagued me.  These thoughts have actually been cyclical over the course of the last few years--- as proven by some blog excerpts that I had written just before my 26th birthday.  I was pleased to read that I had achieved some landmark goals, but other than those goals it was 1500 words of darkness.  A time I never wish to go back to.  The Book of Awakening was laying next to me on my bed and the moment I saw it, I reached for it---and thought let me see what this Mark Nepo guy has to say. Without prior meditation, the message for today hit the nail right on the head. It begins with the following quote:  "The stuff of our lives doesn't change.  It is we who change in relation to it." - Molly Vass

At first I thought... blah blah blah....but that was just the mindset for the morning--the real passage is about walking through a set of inner doors. "There exists for each life on Earth a set of inner doors that no one can go through for us."  It was stated that the very core issues we avoid return, and therefore we must be brave and stop avoiding crossing over our threshold to enter the realm where we really want to be.  It touched me--- like something you wouldn't believe. 

Feeling unfulfilled with my life's mission has led to unhappiness and in the midst of the struggle, I have found very temporary means of satisfaction. I certainly have the skill set to move forward... I certainly have the resources to move forward... I certainly have the support network to move forward... I certainly have the personality to move forward--but I haven't done it! I have taken additional steps to get through the door...but I haven't actually walked through it.  Those doors stand directly in front of me.  One of the biggest struggles for me has been walking over verbal and mental abuse from passive/aggressive players in my life.  Yes, I'd say it would be the correct time to dispose of these participants. I've tolerated it and I've also forgiven myself for it.  About a year and a half ago, my mother reinforced that I will have to walk right over it to get to the other side and so what I've developed in my mind is that I will have to re-structure my entire life.  Time comes and goes, and time escapes.  This has become a sick game of "under the radar," and the process is me...just getting by, barely.  The energy is burning within me... so I know the time is near---in fact the time is now.  I know deep in my heart, I will never be able to walk away satisfied if I don't handle everything the way it should be done.  This is how I will walk through my set of inner doors.  The minute I feel that all of this clutter in my life is organized... I will have a clearer mindset of where I need to be--- and the players will never see it coming... and be sad to see me go for all of the right reasons.

If you are able to read this passage from The Book of Awakening, I encourage it, as I think it will be helpful to you. I get the feeling you will be able to relate and perhaps identify which set of doors you need to enter.  While the words I take away from this book will not dictate my life, I do believe it will serve as nourishment for my soul.  Looking forward to a spiritual journey in 2011.  Join me.

Week 5: The Rachel Ray Show

Spontaneity has not been my friend as of recent... impromptu social gatherings--- random take out meals, business events that require business attire--to my dismay, money has been coming out of my ears left and right. The record indicating that I am in no position to let cash flow so freely---though it may appear that way, given that I'm single with no children---  Thankfully, in the great city of New York, there are fun free things to do-- today's adventure was attendance at the Rachel Ray show.

Happy snow day :) 

Thank goodness the office was closed--and yes... I was responsible  and checked to see if there were any pending or urgent issues to be taken care of. 

My daily journey to the workplace includes a cameo appearance in front of Center 44 where The Rachel Ray show is hosted.  Smiling faces are common along the east side of 44th street and can be agitating as attendees take up the entire sidewalk oblivious to those with further destinations.  Excitement can get the best of us--even I was pushed by someone attempting to make their way through the crowd of anxious hooky players, (Cough, Cough, Ehem @#*&%) excuse me would've sufficed.  Nevertheless I was readily awaiting for my chance at something fun and free to do.  After standing in the cold for approximately one hour, the show reached maximum capacity for the 1:15 PM taping.  C'est la vie--- we were wait-listed for the 3:30 show and so we had a lovely day-- breaking bread and sharing libations in the meantime.

Promptly-- we redeemed our tickets and then shuffled through a corridor suitable for an ice queen.  Our excitement still full throttle---even being herded into a room as cattle thereafter, excited to participate in the show until the hour of 5:00 rolled around and we're still standing around---now faded, jaded, hot, frustrated--- in need of fresh air and slightly claustrophobic.  OK, I suppose things happen--- extreme patience was on my team...but even that was wearing thin. The coolest part about her show was hopping on a set that rotated like a lazy susan where we would go from watching her make jalapeño waffles,  brownies and turkey sliders--and then made the shift from "tater tots to ta tas" where host of What Not to Wear's Clinton Kelly gave us tips and tricks on how to avoid double boob---and further to defy gravity.

After making us wait in a cramped room---a bunch of women and four or five men at that-- our consolation prize was a free ticket to come back to the show and be bumped to the front of the line.  Ha- after getting two granola bars and watching a few vignettes--- I think I will keep my vacation day and/or spend my next snow day in bed... that's just as fun (if not more) and free (:

Week 4: Press Esc Key on this Endless Loop

November 30, 2010 was an interesting day... at least for me. It was a day of remembrance for my beloved grandmother on her birthday, it was the day I received a raise... and it was the day that I was supposed to decline the renewal of my contract.  A day I had hoped would not pass the way it did.

 In the early part of 2010, a friend announced her engagement and subsequently moved to the other side of the world. By this time I had already been planning my escape, applying to jobs, even participated in a few interviews, made it to the second round and declined one. Thinking of the exciting adventure that was to come in November, I realized  --the date of the wedding was just two weeks shy of my prospective last day in the office.  The closer it came, the more terrified I grew at the thought of renewing---it was against every fiber of my being...but I did and I suppose the monetary compensation softened the blow.  Afterall, these are the downfalls of adulthood...right? The responsibility of bills and whatever else have you---  Here we are a month and a half later and of course every day I am thankful to have a job---so really I should shut my mouth--but--- I won't because I want something new ---and that is not a newsflash to anyone.

In June, I completed a Master's Degree---and similarly to when I finished my Bachelor's, I was sitting on top of the world---by September, I received an email from a good friend of mine---supporting my emphatic proclamation to leave in November and to stick to my guns by securing a new position. Here is an excerpt of what he had to say:  

"To renew your contract would be a complete contradiction of everything you have been saying and working for, for the last 2 years.  To renew your contract would be selling yourself short and admitting defeat.  To renew your contract would be taking the easy way out, which while it would offer very short term benefits of stability, would wreak havoc on your long term bottom line.  Think long term vision, not short term stability or fear of loss."

Here we are... 

On my way to the cafeteria for some coffee--- I bumped into a colleague who moved to the Thailand Country Office---In his warm greeting he exclaimed: "Andrea... you're still around!" -----Sigh----- I'm still here.  I wish to point out for those who may not know me so well---that I'm no hater and I genuinely support my friends, their endeavors and the process of watching them attain dreams.  I used to say that my life happened in two year rotations---and while to some degree it is true--- Let's talk about this last two years.  Yes- I finished a Master's degree. I've also been long term house sitting for a long time friend who pressed the esc key in early 2009 and ventured into the Peace Corps to escape her endless loop... and after two years she will return in 36 days---exciting!!.. Another colleague, just shy of one year ago--went to a hardship duty location and has since returned.  Its wonderful to hear all of the stories my friends have to share---but I can't help but feel like I've been wasting time--and of course this isn't true.  So what am I doing?  I've mapped out in my calendar short term goals to measure progress and stay focused---because I've so duly noted the speed at which time flies...so for now I'm still here with no plot to leave with gusto but to methodically take a step forward in the proper direction. I do believe that making the correct decision is more important than a spontaneous decision for the escape. 

The daughter of my mother's friend has so graciously taken me under her wing as my mentor--sharing with me events to network and opportunities to be a part of varied organizations--even sent my resume to the head of Human Resources at a powerful international organization and an Ambassador overseas.  She's worked under the Clinton Administration and currently does private fundraising--and needless to say she is well connected. I am absolutely impressed with her and she's gorgeous to boot.  She's professed that I am not doing enough to market myself and she's right. Even in casual conversation I have observed that I downplay my skill-sets and what I do for a living because I try not to sound like I'm full of myself. That's wrong though... I do have a lot to offer and need to embrace it. So--that's what I'll be doing in the short term--marketing myself. Soon enough, I will press the esc key and escape this endless loop.

 

Week 3: The Wealth of a Network

six degrees of separation has become much smaller

Utilizing your network could be the ticket to your next job... who do you think did it all by their little lonesome?  Everyone has got someone to be thankful for at some stage in life. With the ever-increasing use of social networking sites, the task of reaching out to people in your network is much more readily available-- from facebook to linkedin....even a general google search-- your point of contact is literally at your finger tips.

"I don't know what's wrong with you..." a friend once exclaimed-- "you've got all of the resources, and yet you're stuck in this rut, I just don't understand it."

However not so nice that may come across, this friend wasn't wrong.  I've been a true goat in thinking that I was going to do all of this by myself- I've been too shy to ask for letters of recommendation- even too shy to ask the people that I know for advice--until recently.

Last night while having a glass of wine with my roommate, I grew a little backbone and started to browse through the linkedin network suggestions. Low and behold I added someone who I thought went to high school with my sister and that I saw this summer at my cousin's engagement party.  I was completely wrong, but without apology, if I were in design, I would've hit the jackpot and he is a second connection--meaning that I could actually stumble upon him at a real live social event--the odds of that are not as slim as I might've imagined. Six degrees of separation is now something like three.

Why do we become afraid to extend our networks? Fearful of seeming too pretentious, or fearful of rejection? I mean come on--- admittedly the current position I hold has done some damage to my level of confidence in the professional realm, but why in the world should I be that timid?  I have been a part of numerous leadership trainings since the fourth grade and even in the student senate in kindergarten--- pfft. Elected for task forces and policy groups...who the hell is anyone in the organization where I work to tell me what I have to offer or don't based on a grade classification.

Stumbling upon this new contact and his willingness to accept me --even on the merit of the organization I work for means a lot to me, because it made me realize I have nothing to fear but fear itself.  On top of that, I have an extensive---extensive group of successful people in my direct network that would actually be happy to support me in any future endeavor as long as I reached out and shared my plan. So why not? The most debilitating portion of my journey has been the inability to be specific with my professional goals and desires.

Recently, while reading a book on women and finance, an assignment was given to write down all desires, everyday for two weeks straight-- I haven't followed through with this, because tapping into that part of me is something I've been avoiding and I can no longer stand it.  The other day I submitted an application to a fellows program and I, for the life of me...couldn't talk about what I wanted without freezing. I promise, my blood pressure even went up, which affected my entire ability to produce. How can this be--- staring at the barrels of two guns... in the middle of a crossroads and each side brings with it an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Its my life and I can do as I please and yet won't name it to all of the people that could make it happen? Industry upon industry is laying in front of my doorstep, an orphaned bundle of joy... I suppose I can understand the saying-- "the smart one has got the brains...the dumb one has got the balls..." At least I'm not dumb, but what's that got to do with anything if I won't utilize my network and market my full potential.

Week 2: Building momentum through restoration

At an early age, I fell in love with writing. It was a release I had never experienced, protecting my outlandish behavior and guarding the deepest of secrets. As the youngest and notably, unexpected child-- I grew up with two older siblings, a bunch of cousins and for the most part had to entertain myself as a result of none of the older kids wanting to play with me-- after all a five year gap does make a big difference in those critical developmental stages of life and so I've been told I was a bit bratty too.

At 13, and part of a youth group facilitated by my mother, I went to Old Bethpage Village Restoration, which "recreates the atmosphere of a pre-Civil War Long Island Village, illustrating agricultural, domestic and commercial activities through the actual practice of crafts and skills." What an interesting place...it was filled with livestock and artifacts and historical homes with historical furniture-- I am sure that as an adult I could appreciate it even more, but nevertheless as a child, I found it enjoyable. It was there, I purchased my very first journal. Large, blue, bound, a hard cover and decorated with shells-- it was mine.

Pouring emotions onto the pages, as an adolescent I can remember losing myself in thought--even mentally vomited 16 pages in one sitting... I was angry that day. I haven't had the heart to go back and read that specific text just yet, mostly because I'm still working on the little notes that I had to write to my third grade teacher Mrs. M in our progress book... she made my life miserable with those damn multiplication tables. Further she called me "chatterbox," because talking to Kevin P. who was assigned to the seat next to mine was way more interesting then her method of teaching-not to mention he ended up being my boyfriend in fifth grade all the way to the sixth grade (that's a big deal in the pre-teen years). The demise of our fifth grade infatuation was my first lesson in accepting bad advice and never to let a "friend's" opinion dictate your romantic future...this of course, is a completely different story.

After going through previous written works, I realized that I developed the habit of only resorting to writing when searching for that same release, rather than creating the time to have a moment to do something that I love. I reemphasize that I am excited about this 52 week challenge to permit this time. I believe that it will be uplifting and inspiring because whether or not you want to read it...I've got something to say. In addition, I have planned to take at least one writing course in this new year, the very same one I've been putting off for some time now, acceptable since I was in graduate school. Let's consider this the flywheel concept, building momentum to take necessary steps forward thereby accumulating visible results. Feel free to participate and monitor and share thoughts on whether I have grown or fallen off track throughout the course of 2011. This challenge will encourage further reading and investigation, a bit of research...creativity. Any topics you wish to share are welcome... Challenge me, I dare you. My goal is to be inspired by a given topic, not personal strife.

Week 1: Be fly in July Weight Watchers Challenge

In December 2009, I finally had enough with my weight. I noticed myself expanding and it had been flagged for immediate action, imagine how that felt coming from loved ones. I made a pact with myself at an early age to love myself unconditionally-- so I didn't pout and complain about weight and really had no desire to be skinny... I just wanted to look better. I wanted my clothes to fit properly and I didn't want to feel as though I was struggling just to walk up a set of stairs.

Taking heed to these suggestions, I created a short term goal to lose as much weight as I could before my birthday and low and behold I shed 13 lbs in a little less than one month's time. YIPPEEEEEE :) By February, I shed 20 lbs and by April, I could fit into a pair of size 6 pants! I was just too cute for words. Of course losing weight at this speed is unhealthy and I knew exactly what I was doing... ATKINS. By June, the end of school was rearing its ugly head along with some unwanted visitors in my life and I hopped off the band wagon and started stuffing cupcakes down my throat, a food I hadn't particularly cared for in the past. Why now?

Admittedly, I didn't have the most healthy menu while on the fad diet, consuming crab legs with garlic and butter every other day, supplemented by Bubba Burgers for lunch and dinner--and lets not forget breakfast, the most important meal of the day... an egg and cheese omelet with deep fried bacon. NO wonder I was so successful on Atkins... I was pigging out more than ever before! It was absolutely a m a z i n g. When dining out I could still consume vodka and soda which wasn't too far off from my preferred drink--vodka tonic. The perfect diet! I could go on living life the way I was accustomed to and all I had to do was pee on a stick to measure the ketones in my body. Which only after the fact, I learned that ketones were really bad. In July, the weight gain was a little obvious when a friend came to visit from Miami and I was feeling a little bigger than I had the month prior and over the course of the next two months, it all came back, I gained 20 lbs. Nevertheless, I continue to love myself unconditionally--confident and happy.

The Year 2011 brings with it my sister's wedding to be held in one of the Dominican Republic's most luxurious resorts--- how exciting! There are a few of us preparing for the big day that want to look our absolute best because the woman we love is going to proclaim vows to the one she loves on the beach...barefoot. Today, I contacted the bride and another member of the wedding party to start a small support group for one another. My sister mentioned a little while back that she planned to use the Weight Watchers point system in order to shed a few lbs and while walking to work this morning, I decided to do the same. It got me thinking that all of the women that are going to the wedding could hop on board this wonderful opportunity to bond together and have a shared celebration. Thus creating the Be Fly in July Weight Watchers challenge... and umm- have you seen Jennifer Hudson lately? That is motivation enough. I am so happy for her. I hope that this challenge will come to fruition and I genuinely believe it will bring us girls together in La Republica Dominicana, not to mention bring our swag to a whole new level as the bridal party et al. So...why not? I'm for it.

Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to Andrea in Big Lights… who has been invited to participate in a 52 week challenge to blog once per week. The purpose is simply to force myself to do something I enjoy on a weekly basis in a way that could be measured easily. Further… I used pledgehammer.com to hold me publicly accountable for this goal.

Pledgehammer.com allows you to create any pledge of your choice and if I do not complete 52 works of writing, in which I aiming for a blog format, then I will have to cough up $75.00 USD to one of the following humanitarian agencies: ActionAid, PDSA - for pets in need of vets, Torture Care, The World Land Trust, SOS Children's Village in Keila, Estonia – so if I didn’t meet this goal at least it wasn’t a complete bust and thank you to the person who recommended this site.

Entering into a new year of life is the onset of continuing goals and challenges to meet before being graced with another year on this planet… This wouldn’t have to be considered a resolution—just life enhancement. We’ll see if I can make it to blogging at least two times per week in the year 2012, that is-- if the Mayan calendar is incorrect and I will be able to do so.

We shall see.

Wish me luck!