Week 8: To Hold Nothing Back

Breathe in...

Hold it in for three seconds...

Breathe out...

In the moment of exhale, I have proclaimed that "I will not hesitate to be," Making reference to the day's passage in the The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo.   At 12:43 AM this morning, my friend through life asked if I read the passage for 23 February. I hadn't at that stage, naturally because I was fast asleep and happily, since the night before I did not have much of it. 

I am touched by this passage in a book that initially, I wrote off as too preachy and didn't want much to do with.  Here's the quote that stuck out the most:

 "I have discovered, again and again, that I usually know what I need to do but just deny it, and it is this small hesitation, this small resistance to enter what is real, that makes life feel neutral or out of reach."

The emotions involved directly relate to the previous blog post-- Press Esc Key on this Endless Loop, reminding me of the movie Groundhog's Day. And so I blink my eyes, and the days accelerate --- and pass me by as the clouds in the sky, the reality is that its the same day repeating itself... over and over...and over again.

It is not enough to simply manage daily life-- but rather take full action and implement all that you want to see. Today. Not tomorrow or the day after. I definitely live in denial.   I SAID IT!  I was going through some very important paperwork recently, that I received in August.  Stunned, I muttered to myself that it was a shame, that I was just now beginning to deal with it.  Seven months?  Talk about avoidance---and I refuse to go into further details about the other areas that exist on this list. One of my favorite people has a personal mantra to "live life." Simply put, but powerful and we've become great friends because of it.

"To be or not to be, that is the question." --- Obviously.

I am a 28 year old woman with a lot of goals and many desires and no real plan of action... There's a plan... but its not in the stages of implementation.  Its as if I am sitting here waiting for life to happen--and all that happens is a disappearing act.  Did somebody call Houdini? Maybe I need to call Terry McMillan over for some chocolate martinis so we can chat about what comes next.  She won't be able to write it, but I will-- perhaps I will stop making lists, because they are growing more ineffective by the day. I'm so busy waiting to exhale that my face has changed to the hue of blue.  Today, I've come up for air and have been inspired to hold nothing back as "it is the invisible hitch that keeps me from joy."

Thanks to the person who shared this book with me. :)

Week 7: Love and Other Odds and Ends

Happy Valentines Day!!! :)

Love is in the air as spring is on the horizon. Depending on your relationship status, great friends or love of self you may have plans for this February 14th.

In years past, I used to proclaim that Valentine's day was just another hallmark holiday meant to satisfy capitalist America. I'm not so oppositional these days or seemingly bitter because I have lots of love in my life and even moreso a firm appreciation of those I love. In fact I am at peace with romantic love, love of the self, love of friends and family.  Its a big statement considering there was a time, I thought I was broken or unable to feel it... I've lightened up a bit in my years and thankfully my family no longer refers to me as "hard hearted Hanna." I was ruthless and not boastfully so. Love was professed and I just couldn't reciprocate. In fact, one day a former boyfriend from college said those three magical words and I had planned to call it quits on that very day.

Burned.

I felt really bad and I can assure there was no mal-intent - he was sweet as pie... it just wasn't working out.  He's happily married now and a Neurologist, and I have no regrets because what looks good on paper isn't particularly the best thing for long term commitment.

If you've noticed in this blog-spot, I rarely mention love because, well--- I was in a relationship and having a public view can be a little tricky and if it's one thing that was learned from an early age (11 to be exact), it's that everyone has an opinion on the one you date. The reality is that no-one is able to understand the connection between you and another.
Unless an opinion is solicited, there should be no comment--so shut it otherwise be prepared to swallow that advice. Sometimes friends are there to set the record straight and other times the information provided is the most awful, hypocritical and even damaging advice, so beware. All in all, you should still consider how your significant has been portrayed in the light of the important people of your life----or really, who you're asking. (Do they have their wits about them, Are they happy?) Think about whether you represent your love to the best of your ability or whether you believe that a fair assessment could be conducted based on the information provided. If accepting bids on people's thoughts... take it with a grain of salt---use your brain, use your heart and always trust your gut!
 
Love for another is absolutely beautiful, special and amazing.  Better than that is loving yourself...  I can agree with the following quote:

"It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." 

 

Of course, there are times when love sucks---and you just want to scratch out the eyeballs of someone just for the sake of having to deal with the enormous amount of ehem, shall we say GROWTH!?  But all in all, if its right... and I don't mean socially acceptable, I mean if its right for you-- cherish it and be willing to go to war for it because wouldn't you want your partner to do the same?
 
If you're planning on having a hot and steamy date night, keeping it low key with some wine and chinese food or just snuggling next to someone you care about, even your pillow while watching your favorite romantic comedy...enjoy your day! Valentine's day doesn't have to be overrated... or a bummer...or just another capitalist holiday--it can be the one day you OUTWARDLY proclaim your emotion to the WORLD about the ones you love...including yourself while all the rest of the days keeping it central amongst each other, where it should be.
 
Cheers to love.
XOXOXOXO

Week 6: Conquering a Set of Inner Doors

This morning in the quiet moments of awakening, I felt imbalanced and a little un-nerved by some internal thoughts that have plagued me.  These thoughts have actually been cyclical over the course of the last few years--- as proven by some blog excerpts that I had written just before my 26th birthday.  I was pleased to read that I had achieved some landmark goals, but other than those goals it was 1500 words of darkness.  A time I never wish to go back to.  The Book of Awakening was laying next to me on my bed and the moment I saw it, I reached for it---and thought let me see what this Mark Nepo guy has to say. Without prior meditation, the message for today hit the nail right on the head. It begins with the following quote:  "The stuff of our lives doesn't change.  It is we who change in relation to it." - Molly Vass

At first I thought... blah blah blah....but that was just the mindset for the morning--the real passage is about walking through a set of inner doors. "There exists for each life on Earth a set of inner doors that no one can go through for us."  It was stated that the very core issues we avoid return, and therefore we must be brave and stop avoiding crossing over our threshold to enter the realm where we really want to be.  It touched me--- like something you wouldn't believe. 

Feeling unfulfilled with my life's mission has led to unhappiness and in the midst of the struggle, I have found very temporary means of satisfaction. I certainly have the skill set to move forward... I certainly have the resources to move forward... I certainly have the support network to move forward... I certainly have the personality to move forward--but I haven't done it! I have taken additional steps to get through the door...but I haven't actually walked through it.  Those doors stand directly in front of me.  One of the biggest struggles for me has been walking over verbal and mental abuse from passive/aggressive players in my life.  Yes, I'd say it would be the correct time to dispose of these participants. I've tolerated it and I've also forgiven myself for it.  About a year and a half ago, my mother reinforced that I will have to walk right over it to get to the other side and so what I've developed in my mind is that I will have to re-structure my entire life.  Time comes and goes, and time escapes.  This has become a sick game of "under the radar," and the process is me...just getting by, barely.  The energy is burning within me... so I know the time is near---in fact the time is now.  I know deep in my heart, I will never be able to walk away satisfied if I don't handle everything the way it should be done.  This is how I will walk through my set of inner doors.  The minute I feel that all of this clutter in my life is organized... I will have a clearer mindset of where I need to be--- and the players will never see it coming... and be sad to see me go for all of the right reasons.

If you are able to read this passage from The Book of Awakening, I encourage it, as I think it will be helpful to you. I get the feeling you will be able to relate and perhaps identify which set of doors you need to enter.  While the words I take away from this book will not dictate my life, I do believe it will serve as nourishment for my soul.  Looking forward to a spiritual journey in 2011.  Join me.