Week 6: Conquering a Set of Inner Doors

This morning in the quiet moments of awakening, I felt imbalanced and a little un-nerved by some internal thoughts that have plagued me.  These thoughts have actually been cyclical over the course of the last few years--- as proven by some blog excerpts that I had written just before my 26th birthday.  I was pleased to read that I had achieved some landmark goals, but other than those goals it was 1500 words of darkness.  A time I never wish to go back to.  The Book of Awakening was laying next to me on my bed and the moment I saw it, I reached for it---and thought let me see what this Mark Nepo guy has to say. Without prior meditation, the message for today hit the nail right on the head. It begins with the following quote:  "The stuff of our lives doesn't change.  It is we who change in relation to it." - Molly Vass

At first I thought... blah blah blah....but that was just the mindset for the morning--the real passage is about walking through a set of inner doors. "There exists for each life on Earth a set of inner doors that no one can go through for us."  It was stated that the very core issues we avoid return, and therefore we must be brave and stop avoiding crossing over our threshold to enter the realm where we really want to be.  It touched me--- like something you wouldn't believe. 

Feeling unfulfilled with my life's mission has led to unhappiness and in the midst of the struggle, I have found very temporary means of satisfaction. I certainly have the skill set to move forward... I certainly have the resources to move forward... I certainly have the support network to move forward... I certainly have the personality to move forward--but I haven't done it! I have taken additional steps to get through the door...but I haven't actually walked through it.  Those doors stand directly in front of me.  One of the biggest struggles for me has been walking over verbal and mental abuse from passive/aggressive players in my life.  Yes, I'd say it would be the correct time to dispose of these participants. I've tolerated it and I've also forgiven myself for it.  About a year and a half ago, my mother reinforced that I will have to walk right over it to get to the other side and so what I've developed in my mind is that I will have to re-structure my entire life.  Time comes and goes, and time escapes.  This has become a sick game of "under the radar," and the process is me...just getting by, barely.  The energy is burning within me... so I know the time is near---in fact the time is now.  I know deep in my heart, I will never be able to walk away satisfied if I don't handle everything the way it should be done.  This is how I will walk through my set of inner doors.  The minute I feel that all of this clutter in my life is organized... I will have a clearer mindset of where I need to be--- and the players will never see it coming... and be sad to see me go for all of the right reasons.

If you are able to read this passage from The Book of Awakening, I encourage it, as I think it will be helpful to you. I get the feeling you will be able to relate and perhaps identify which set of doors you need to enter.  While the words I take away from this book will not dictate my life, I do believe it will serve as nourishment for my soul.  Looking forward to a spiritual journey in 2011.  Join me.