Who am I? And who is that I really want to be? I am a woman full of strength courage and wisdom. But sadly, this courage and wisdom seems to be buried within. It appears to most that I lack interest with certain feats and maybe this is true. Where have I been for my friends? Where have I been for my boyfriend? Where have I been for my mother? Where have I been for my father? I've messed up time and time again and I have always had someone there to pick up the pieces.... has this lead to the possibility of me not fulfilling what I need to do for others? What are my goals? When I was fresh out of college and full of ambition I wrote a new goal sheet everyday of the week. Inclusive of goals with the peace corps, moving to arizona, traveling the world and getting my master's degree in international affairs. I've been afforded the opportunity in my life to travel-and this has opened my eyes to a completely different world other than what western society has had to offer-but similar to Father Bill from Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal Church I am struggling to understand that I am holding onto one 5 month experience that was significant to me in my life and have not paved the way to to set new examples for me to follow. My trip to Central America was five whole years ago-starting from January 6, 2004. What have I accomplished?I have finally made a break through effort to myself to admit that I am an angry person. BuT WHY?? This is a constant. I have everything to be thankful for-and I fear what I have to lose to truly embrace it. I have two parents that love and care for me and want to move mountains for me to succeed and do well and have opened the door to allow me to be exposed to the world and sheltered me from all of the things that I've already experienced in my own self defiance. How many experiences do I have to go through, before I learn my lesson. A friend of mine recently stated: "The hard headed, always gotta feel it in order to believe it."
The clock struck 12:00 Midnight for 1 January 2009. A sense of fear came over me. Probably because I understand this year, will be one of struggle. Noone should ever plan to struggle-I suppose- but I already know that if I want to get to the next steps in life-it is imperative. My goal for this year is to enter into graduate school, by attending graduate school- I hope to get a better job, one that makes me happy, as I am unhappy as an assistant. I guess I saw more potential in myself then just becoming an assistant, and while it was a well desired goal for me to be a part of the United Nations, I now feel that I am able to consciously move on with my life and decide to do something more with myself. I have been realistically looking into graduate schools, and I am thinking that maybe, just maybe- I should challenge myself to attend the CUNY Graduate Center for a Master's in Political Science. This -has the potential to go into a doctoral program, which will help fulfill my desired dream of being a professor. I have learned and begun to acknowledge that I am a person who thrives on the process, and I am so busy focusing on the obstacles that I am not focusing on the desire to obtain the goal. My personal endeavors and inhibited motivation are affecting me on a personal level. I have neglected those that I love and have neglected those that love me. Worst of all- I have squandered my time neglecting myself. I haven't been taking care of the foundation for me to get to the next steps in my life. This is getting me down.
My mother and I had a very real conversation this morning. Probably the first in life- that was calm. She shared with me that she is questioning her self worth, and why she even tries in life. Admittedly, I ca
n be very mean to my mother, and really can't pin point why. She is a powerful woman, that makes a difference in her community. She has always beat my ass to make sure that I needed to do all the things that I needed to do-living in her household, in my own realm of self-defiance I turned to alcohol to avoid coming home on time. Coming home on time was boring to me. Coming home on time, was a chore. Coming home at all-was not something I desired to do-finally, I have said to myself the time has come to move out, and God has provided the outlet for me to take over a friend's apartment. The way I see it, is, if I'm not doing it for myself- I will do it for her. Why is that? Why haven't I built the courage to move out on my own. That is something to be addressed at a later date. I believe that at one point, I was striving so hard to be an adult and assert myself into my life as adult-that I negated to be an adult. Coming home to people who embraced me and have already had a pre-conceived notion about what I am about was unhealthy. Although advice was given, I struggled to accept the possibility that they may be right. It is difficult to acknowledge one's fault. Very difficult. In the midst of learning all of my faults from others and finally accepting them for myself- I now believe that this what has provoked me to be self defiant. Instead of using feedback as a positive-since it was so constant, instead turned out against me. The easiest thing to do was to party and live up life-as a young adult with no care and responsibility. This has caused my family not to see me as an adult. Granted, my age-states that I am adult- but my actions stated otherwise. I am starting to think, my real issue with my mother is that she does not respect me as an adult-I have this need to do things on my own...and she is always so busy following up with me-that its annoying. In which case, I turn around and get annoyed...and end up not doing it anyway. Wha
t is that? How does that work for me? I spent a lot of time looking down my nose at some of my friends and thinking about how sheltered and naive they are/were that they've surpassed me in levels of adult hood that now I look at them and ask for guidance. Guidance, interesting... Voluntary guidance frustrates me-sought out guidance often times surprises me. My father shared with me this morning, that I am an adult-and capable of figuring things out on my own. It's always interesting when one of my parents says-well I am an adult and I can do whatever I want. I guess I always wanted that from my mother. I never have been sure whether or not she has ever taken me seriously.
This is frustrating. 
