Thoughts....

Why are the worst notions of concern unecessarily? The Catalyst of all insecurity - Self contemplation and evaluation? The consumption of energies- fueling fire... Burning Bridges- Skipping beats and festering tendencies- Reservations of ecstacy-- uncommon traits of indemnity...

Hearts Throb -- with piercing jolts.. Openness has come to an abrupt HAULT

-- DO NOT GO IN THERE!!--

The dangerous lives of love and fantasy- windows smashing with new realities and brutal fatalities of a person I once knew...

Passionate cries from molding mountains with longevity of safety and security....

To be continued...

Six Hundred-fifty pounds lighter

What I don't understand is that I really fought for you to be here. Fought for YOU--as any friend should do. I didn't need to, and I didn't need you, I sought to help. The return, well, not so great. I'm stuck with your tab and overdraft fees. Although, I'm savvy enough to make it work---the point is-you left me dangling in the sunlight.

As I recall, one day, you beefed over $20. Caveat you and this person no longer speak. EEK... Am I a sap?.... a pushover?

I've reflected long and hard---since I have a tendency to point the finger in all the wrong directions polar opposite to me...but this time?!! Nah, I'm good. I checked myself, I thought of all possibilities that could come true... my biggest downfall was trusting you. It was purely on the merit of our friendship, I was lenient. NEVER AGAIN....NEVER AGAIN.... Rest assured, right hand on the bible, I can never be that foolish again.

It's funny, how time and time again... it was my fault you didn't get the job you wanted. It was my fault, that I refused to put your resume through without a cover letter?? Or all the the other supporting documentation?

I listen to you... and you always find someone else to place the blame. You moved here, on your own merit... hoping, that you would have a shot at a different life... you basically had your friend carry you, and then when she fended for herself...you were left with your hands tied ---because YOU didn't do enough for you. Friends carry eachother, but as I am learning evermore, self is foundation. Selfish-is you-trust...they are not the same.

Nevertheless, as the big person my mother taught me to be, I'm proud of you for taking the intitiative to be there for you. Unfortunately, that's not good enough for me. No matter which way you look at it, you left me flapping in the breeze. Everything you said about it, everything you promised you'd do, I'm sure leaving, was the best thing you could do...you left a relationship lighter and two friendships down the drain. I tried not to be mad, I really did. I waited, patiently at that. Here we are, three weeks down the line. You're nowhere to be found. I had a feeling you weren't going to be there---and I was right. "What goes around, comes around..." and although I wish you the best, CUIDATE y espero en, you will lay in the bed you made.

Here are your bags, you checked at the door... I dropped them off at baggage claim-bag lady. Rest assured, you know where to find me, remember...? Hanging in the breeze... Only this time... don't.

Baby Mama Drama....

I don't understand, and probably never will be able to understand the thoughts of men. Perhaps this will be a biased blog, perhaps not. Some might argue that good men don't turn bad, until a woman has hurt them and vise versa in the realm of women as in...women don't turn bad until they are shunned by men. For the life of me I just can't seem to understand, a woman... coniving and decietful as she may be...get's knocked up to keep her man.

Too many parents are stranded, having to play the dual character of mom and dad. For whatever the case may be--how is it that parents can turn their backs on the lives of their children? What if your parent turned their back on you. For those, that have experienced this- I'm sorry. I assure you, however, this blog is purely to support you.

Lies, Cheating, Drunken behavior-popular reasoning for abandonment, but certainly not jusitifiable means. What would be the alternative option?

Love for your child... Isn't that like love at first sight? I believe, I can imagine. This is an extension of you. Your child is your life, your child is you. If you had to do yours all over again--what would you provide for you child that you didn't have?

So what is with this struggle for power? If you have undying love for your child, then... why the drama--- be all that you can be for your baby if not for yourself in knowing you have to provide.

Self-investments.

Maybe if I spent half as much time, typing away on my homework assignments as I do on gmail... I'd have my paper done by now. Yea, I've had two weeks to complete, and while I've quite the hectic schedule recently, it doesn't mean I've had to negate my work. It's as though, I purely try to avoid having to do things in a timely and efficient manner, it's like the minute fire is being spit up my butt, is the moment, I finally decide to get it together and pull something out of my ass... (the one I can wipe...right?!)

Most days, I secretly wish facebook didn't exist. I can't tell you the amount of times I click on facebook when I am at my desk preparing to do some work---only to find that I have notifications waiting for me...YIPPEE! and that somehow captures my attention way better than any chart or graph analysis could do for me-amazingly. Maybe...If I invested in myself- on a productive level a little bit more often then my beauty sleep---I'd be a lot further along in my life? Everything happens for a reason though, right?

Its alarming and intriguing at the same time, I have this clear sense of the self, but am often lacking in focus. It says so much about my personality. To be quite honest, I don't actually believe I desire to live a life with a real 9-5 job. I mean, lots of people wish they didn't have to do that, but you do what you have to survive--the thing is, I actually think its unmotivating. HOW though, do you break the mold? I should know this right? Having the ability as a sociologist to look at the world from the outer persepective?

If only life were that easy, if what goes in my head, could actually translate to paper...or even the wind.

evol

...But the real question at hand is why does love make me angry? Why would love make anyone angry? What is it that I must humbly submit to the realm of emotions? What intentions must I develop to truly embrace love? I am in prison... Incarcerated from the soul. Chained and whipped by self sorrows... Savage...laying in the corner shaking... ACHING to break free. Angry... pointing fingers in every direction but me. Living, Loving and Learning life- A fruitful one at that.. BUT- What must I sacrifice to set myself free? I reflect upon the days when I was just me... when what I rejected was the popular belief. High hopes and dreams flourish above the horizon to destination CEO- as natural life urges are surpressed by the calculation of my 401k. My independence is turning into an A-Sexual Reality when it comes to love.. and at the end of the day the only one left holding my hand is me.

Numb, limp and cold is what I have become to beautiful masculine hands that gently caress- and soft passionate kisses tickling the small of my neck..My security blanket to keep safe and warm- when I need to escape... even me...