I can wipe my own ass!!!!

For the very few that know my quirks...my heart goes out to you-and for those that don't...allow me to shed a little light on what I mean. My mother refers to me as her "independent child,"or "defiant child," and as much as I would hate to admit that---- she is kinda right.

How many people do you know that are defiant? Defiant against God, religion...authority? A bunch, I'm sure... How many do you know that defy themselves? I know one, and you're reading her... I am the worst kind of defiant. I am SELF-defiant. Isn't that like going against the law of nature? Its not logical! It's a wonder how I passed Vanderbeek's class senior year of high school since it appears I missed the lesson where he explained the "if...then" notion. Let's use alcohol as an example, (Note* I am recovering from a fun night last night) "Hmm... this gin and tonic tastes really good... but you know what... It's a little strong and I'm buzzing, so I think I'll pour it out- don't want to get drunk!" six minutes later... "Hi, I'd like a heineken please." ----WHAT!??----Rest assured, this is not solely applicable to alcohol use, so please-spare me on how much you think I may need to go to rehab.

Today I was scheduled for the GRE, ugggh, the dreaded...I rescheduled thankfully for early February because I didn't study. That's right I said it- Its not that I didn't study enough-no I didn't study- I opened the book a few times, read a few questions, bought a new computer to use the software, developed and organized a weekly agenda for study time-with topics to study, taken from the KAPLAN website, (I stole their sample syllabus) and I purchased something like 5 books to study... just a tad over kill perhaps and yet, I still did not want to do it. Do I want to go to graduate school!? I vowed I was never going to take the GRE. I really don't think its great measure of my capacity to function in the real world. Anyhow, the fact of the matter is that if I want to go to specific school x, then, I have to take the GRE-right?...so Like Nike just do it?? Not me, I won't....

There are days when I struggle to see the bigger picture and wish someone could set up all the necessities of life so I can just handle my business, sort of like a paint by numbers type deal. Usually the reverse occurs, when one offers assistance, I take note-whether they know it or not...and then I claw their eyes out for telling me about myself. Fact is... I can wipe my own ass! However true or false it may be, I'm defiant against the world and I won't let you believe otherwise. I can't remember what happened during my tried efforts at asserting myself into the real world, but somewhere along the way I just became this rock, that stood still and didn't do all the things it once did, like break down into composite minerals or do whatever neat things rocks do...(ok rando...but still) It seems like my life consists of dis-placement- Like-I don't belong here, wrong job...wrong decisions...wrong hobbies/habits. I know I can do it, its just a matter of getting there. I'm bored and want to bust out of this joint. If I stay here any longer-I'll be prone to west nile from stagnation.

Back to the real issue at hand, self-defiance...? Shouldn't that be unheard of? I sit in the car, and a great song comes on and while I'm jamming and the other riders in the cars next to me are hysterically laughing at the crazy girl dancing in her car- I change the channel mid-song...not because I'm tired of it but because I want to see what else is on. Wierd! A childhood friend, now getting his PhD in Psychology once analyzed me in a car ride, in fact, he's the one that brought it to my attention. He exclaimed, "You have issues..." since for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why anyone that was enjoying music would change it. Could I be like the character from Nickelodeon's cartoon, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron? Dr. Finbarr Calamitous is the name...The mad scientist that starts a project, a sentence, a donut, whatever-and never finishes it? Nah, whatever- I'm pretty sure it's not that deep. But what's the deal with that?