Week 7: Love and Other Odds and Ends

Happy Valentines Day!!! :)

Love is in the air as spring is on the horizon. Depending on your relationship status, great friends or love of self you may have plans for this February 14th.

In years past, I used to proclaim that Valentine's day was just another hallmark holiday meant to satisfy capitalist America. I'm not so oppositional these days or seemingly bitter because I have lots of love in my life and even moreso a firm appreciation of those I love. In fact I am at peace with romantic love, love of the self, love of friends and family.  Its a big statement considering there was a time, I thought I was broken or unable to feel it... I've lightened up a bit in my years and thankfully my family no longer refers to me as "hard hearted Hanna." I was ruthless and not boastfully so. Love was professed and I just couldn't reciprocate. In fact, one day a former boyfriend from college said those three magical words and I had planned to call it quits on that very day.

Burned.

I felt really bad and I can assure there was no mal-intent - he was sweet as pie... it just wasn't working out.  He's happily married now and a Neurologist, and I have no regrets because what looks good on paper isn't particularly the best thing for long term commitment.

If you've noticed in this blog-spot, I rarely mention love because, well--- I was in a relationship and having a public view can be a little tricky and if it's one thing that was learned from an early age (11 to be exact), it's that everyone has an opinion on the one you date. The reality is that no-one is able to understand the connection between you and another.
Unless an opinion is solicited, there should be no comment--so shut it otherwise be prepared to swallow that advice. Sometimes friends are there to set the record straight and other times the information provided is the most awful, hypocritical and even damaging advice, so beware. All in all, you should still consider how your significant has been portrayed in the light of the important people of your life----or really, who you're asking. (Do they have their wits about them, Are they happy?) Think about whether you represent your love to the best of your ability or whether you believe that a fair assessment could be conducted based on the information provided. If accepting bids on people's thoughts... take it with a grain of salt---use your brain, use your heart and always trust your gut!
 
Love for another is absolutely beautiful, special and amazing.  Better than that is loving yourself...  I can agree with the following quote:

"It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." 

 

Of course, there are times when love sucks---and you just want to scratch out the eyeballs of someone just for the sake of having to deal with the enormous amount of ehem, shall we say GROWTH!?  But all in all, if its right... and I don't mean socially acceptable, I mean if its right for you-- cherish it and be willing to go to war for it because wouldn't you want your partner to do the same?
 
If you're planning on having a hot and steamy date night, keeping it low key with some wine and chinese food or just snuggling next to someone you care about, even your pillow while watching your favorite romantic comedy...enjoy your day! Valentine's day doesn't have to be overrated... or a bummer...or just another capitalist holiday--it can be the one day you OUTWARDLY proclaim your emotion to the WORLD about the ones you love...including yourself while all the rest of the days keeping it central amongst each other, where it should be.
 
Cheers to love.
XOXOXOXO

Week 6: Conquering a Set of Inner Doors

This morning in the quiet moments of awakening, I felt imbalanced and a little un-nerved by some internal thoughts that have plagued me.  These thoughts have actually been cyclical over the course of the last few years--- as proven by some blog excerpts that I had written just before my 26th birthday.  I was pleased to read that I had achieved some landmark goals, but other than those goals it was 1500 words of darkness.  A time I never wish to go back to.  The Book of Awakening was laying next to me on my bed and the moment I saw it, I reached for it---and thought let me see what this Mark Nepo guy has to say. Without prior meditation, the message for today hit the nail right on the head. It begins with the following quote:  "The stuff of our lives doesn't change.  It is we who change in relation to it." - Molly Vass

At first I thought... blah blah blah....but that was just the mindset for the morning--the real passage is about walking through a set of inner doors. "There exists for each life on Earth a set of inner doors that no one can go through for us."  It was stated that the very core issues we avoid return, and therefore we must be brave and stop avoiding crossing over our threshold to enter the realm where we really want to be.  It touched me--- like something you wouldn't believe. 

Feeling unfulfilled with my life's mission has led to unhappiness and in the midst of the struggle, I have found very temporary means of satisfaction. I certainly have the skill set to move forward... I certainly have the resources to move forward... I certainly have the support network to move forward... I certainly have the personality to move forward--but I haven't done it! I have taken additional steps to get through the door...but I haven't actually walked through it.  Those doors stand directly in front of me.  One of the biggest struggles for me has been walking over verbal and mental abuse from passive/aggressive players in my life.  Yes, I'd say it would be the correct time to dispose of these participants. I've tolerated it and I've also forgiven myself for it.  About a year and a half ago, my mother reinforced that I will have to walk right over it to get to the other side and so what I've developed in my mind is that I will have to re-structure my entire life.  Time comes and goes, and time escapes.  This has become a sick game of "under the radar," and the process is me...just getting by, barely.  The energy is burning within me... so I know the time is near---in fact the time is now.  I know deep in my heart, I will never be able to walk away satisfied if I don't handle everything the way it should be done.  This is how I will walk through my set of inner doors.  The minute I feel that all of this clutter in my life is organized... I will have a clearer mindset of where I need to be--- and the players will never see it coming... and be sad to see me go for all of the right reasons.

If you are able to read this passage from The Book of Awakening, I encourage it, as I think it will be helpful to you. I get the feeling you will be able to relate and perhaps identify which set of doors you need to enter.  While the words I take away from this book will not dictate my life, I do believe it will serve as nourishment for my soul.  Looking forward to a spiritual journey in 2011.  Join me.

Week 5: The Rachel Ray Show

Spontaneity has not been my friend as of recent... impromptu social gatherings--- random take out meals, business events that require business attire--to my dismay, money has been coming out of my ears left and right. The record indicating that I am in no position to let cash flow so freely---though it may appear that way, given that I'm single with no children---  Thankfully, in the great city of New York, there are fun free things to do-- today's adventure was attendance at the Rachel Ray show.

Happy snow day :) 

Thank goodness the office was closed--and yes... I was responsible  and checked to see if there were any pending or urgent issues to be taken care of. 

My daily journey to the workplace includes a cameo appearance in front of Center 44 where The Rachel Ray show is hosted.  Smiling faces are common along the east side of 44th street and can be agitating as attendees take up the entire sidewalk oblivious to those with further destinations.  Excitement can get the best of us--even I was pushed by someone attempting to make their way through the crowd of anxious hooky players, (Cough, Cough, Ehem @#*&%) excuse me would've sufficed.  Nevertheless I was readily awaiting for my chance at something fun and free to do.  After standing in the cold for approximately one hour, the show reached maximum capacity for the 1:15 PM taping.  C'est la vie--- we were wait-listed for the 3:30 show and so we had a lovely day-- breaking bread and sharing libations in the meantime.

Promptly-- we redeemed our tickets and then shuffled through a corridor suitable for an ice queen.  Our excitement still full throttle---even being herded into a room as cattle thereafter, excited to participate in the show until the hour of 5:00 rolled around and we're still standing around---now faded, jaded, hot, frustrated--- in need of fresh air and slightly claustrophobic.  OK, I suppose things happen--- extreme patience was on my team...but even that was wearing thin. The coolest part about her show was hopping on a set that rotated like a lazy susan where we would go from watching her make jalapeño waffles,  brownies and turkey sliders--and then made the shift from "tater tots to ta tas" where host of What Not to Wear's Clinton Kelly gave us tips and tricks on how to avoid double boob---and further to defy gravity.

After making us wait in a cramped room---a bunch of women and four or five men at that-- our consolation prize was a free ticket to come back to the show and be bumped to the front of the line.  Ha- after getting two granola bars and watching a few vignettes--- I think I will keep my vacation day and/or spend my next snow day in bed... that's just as fun (if not more) and free (:

Week 4: Press Esc Key on this Endless Loop

November 30, 2010 was an interesting day... at least for me. It was a day of remembrance for my beloved grandmother on her birthday, it was the day I received a raise... and it was the day that I was supposed to decline the renewal of my contract.  A day I had hoped would not pass the way it did.

 In the early part of 2010, a friend announced her engagement and subsequently moved to the other side of the world. By this time I had already been planning my escape, applying to jobs, even participated in a few interviews, made it to the second round and declined one. Thinking of the exciting adventure that was to come in November, I realized  --the date of the wedding was just two weeks shy of my prospective last day in the office.  The closer it came, the more terrified I grew at the thought of renewing---it was against every fiber of my being...but I did and I suppose the monetary compensation softened the blow.  Afterall, these are the downfalls of adulthood...right? The responsibility of bills and whatever else have you---  Here we are a month and a half later and of course every day I am thankful to have a job---so really I should shut my mouth--but--- I won't because I want something new ---and that is not a newsflash to anyone.

In June, I completed a Master's Degree---and similarly to when I finished my Bachelor's, I was sitting on top of the world---by September, I received an email from a good friend of mine---supporting my emphatic proclamation to leave in November and to stick to my guns by securing a new position. Here is an excerpt of what he had to say:  

"To renew your contract would be a complete contradiction of everything you have been saying and working for, for the last 2 years.  To renew your contract would be selling yourself short and admitting defeat.  To renew your contract would be taking the easy way out, which while it would offer very short term benefits of stability, would wreak havoc on your long term bottom line.  Think long term vision, not short term stability or fear of loss."

Here we are... 

On my way to the cafeteria for some coffee--- I bumped into a colleague who moved to the Thailand Country Office---In his warm greeting he exclaimed: "Andrea... you're still around!" -----Sigh----- I'm still here.  I wish to point out for those who may not know me so well---that I'm no hater and I genuinely support my friends, their endeavors and the process of watching them attain dreams.  I used to say that my life happened in two year rotations---and while to some degree it is true--- Let's talk about this last two years.  Yes- I finished a Master's degree. I've also been long term house sitting for a long time friend who pressed the esc key in early 2009 and ventured into the Peace Corps to escape her endless loop... and after two years she will return in 36 days---exciting!!.. Another colleague, just shy of one year ago--went to a hardship duty location and has since returned.  Its wonderful to hear all of the stories my friends have to share---but I can't help but feel like I've been wasting time--and of course this isn't true.  So what am I doing?  I've mapped out in my calendar short term goals to measure progress and stay focused---because I've so duly noted the speed at which time flies...so for now I'm still here with no plot to leave with gusto but to methodically take a step forward in the proper direction. I do believe that making the correct decision is more important than a spontaneous decision for the escape. 

The daughter of my mother's friend has so graciously taken me under her wing as my mentor--sharing with me events to network and opportunities to be a part of varied organizations--even sent my resume to the head of Human Resources at a powerful international organization and an Ambassador overseas.  She's worked under the Clinton Administration and currently does private fundraising--and needless to say she is well connected. I am absolutely impressed with her and she's gorgeous to boot.  She's professed that I am not doing enough to market myself and she's right. Even in casual conversation I have observed that I downplay my skill-sets and what I do for a living because I try not to sound like I'm full of myself. That's wrong though... I do have a lot to offer and need to embrace it. So--that's what I'll be doing in the short term--marketing myself. Soon enough, I will press the esc key and escape this endless loop.

 

Week 3: The Wealth of a Network

six degrees of separation has become much smaller

Utilizing your network could be the ticket to your next job... who do you think did it all by their little lonesome?  Everyone has got someone to be thankful for at some stage in life. With the ever-increasing use of social networking sites, the task of reaching out to people in your network is much more readily available-- from facebook to linkedin....even a general google search-- your point of contact is literally at your finger tips.

"I don't know what's wrong with you..." a friend once exclaimed-- "you've got all of the resources, and yet you're stuck in this rut, I just don't understand it."

However not so nice that may come across, this friend wasn't wrong.  I've been a true goat in thinking that I was going to do all of this by myself- I've been too shy to ask for letters of recommendation- even too shy to ask the people that I know for advice--until recently.

Last night while having a glass of wine with my roommate, I grew a little backbone and started to browse through the linkedin network suggestions. Low and behold I added someone who I thought went to high school with my sister and that I saw this summer at my cousin's engagement party.  I was completely wrong, but without apology, if I were in design, I would've hit the jackpot and he is a second connection--meaning that I could actually stumble upon him at a real live social event--the odds of that are not as slim as I might've imagined. Six degrees of separation is now something like three.

Why do we become afraid to extend our networks? Fearful of seeming too pretentious, or fearful of rejection? I mean come on--- admittedly the current position I hold has done some damage to my level of confidence in the professional realm, but why in the world should I be that timid?  I have been a part of numerous leadership trainings since the fourth grade and even in the student senate in kindergarten--- pfft. Elected for task forces and policy groups...who the hell is anyone in the organization where I work to tell me what I have to offer or don't based on a grade classification.

Stumbling upon this new contact and his willingness to accept me --even on the merit of the organization I work for means a lot to me, because it made me realize I have nothing to fear but fear itself.  On top of that, I have an extensive---extensive group of successful people in my direct network that would actually be happy to support me in any future endeavor as long as I reached out and shared my plan. So why not? The most debilitating portion of my journey has been the inability to be specific with my professional goals and desires.

Recently, while reading a book on women and finance, an assignment was given to write down all desires, everyday for two weeks straight-- I haven't followed through with this, because tapping into that part of me is something I've been avoiding and I can no longer stand it.  The other day I submitted an application to a fellows program and I, for the life of me...couldn't talk about what I wanted without freezing. I promise, my blood pressure even went up, which affected my entire ability to produce. How can this be--- staring at the barrels of two guns... in the middle of a crossroads and each side brings with it an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Its my life and I can do as I please and yet won't name it to all of the people that could make it happen? Industry upon industry is laying in front of my doorstep, an orphaned bundle of joy... I suppose I can understand the saying-- "the smart one has got the brains...the dumb one has got the balls..." At least I'm not dumb, but what's that got to do with anything if I won't utilize my network and market my full potential.

Week 2: Building momentum through restoration

At an early age, I fell in love with writing. It was a release I had never experienced, protecting my outlandish behavior and guarding the deepest of secrets. As the youngest and notably, unexpected child-- I grew up with two older siblings, a bunch of cousins and for the most part had to entertain myself as a result of none of the older kids wanting to play with me-- after all a five year gap does make a big difference in those critical developmental stages of life and so I've been told I was a bit bratty too.

At 13, and part of a youth group facilitated by my mother, I went to Old Bethpage Village Restoration, which "recreates the atmosphere of a pre-Civil War Long Island Village, illustrating agricultural, domestic and commercial activities through the actual practice of crafts and skills." What an interesting place...it was filled with livestock and artifacts and historical homes with historical furniture-- I am sure that as an adult I could appreciate it even more, but nevertheless as a child, I found it enjoyable. It was there, I purchased my very first journal. Large, blue, bound, a hard cover and decorated with shells-- it was mine.

Pouring emotions onto the pages, as an adolescent I can remember losing myself in thought--even mentally vomited 16 pages in one sitting... I was angry that day. I haven't had the heart to go back and read that specific text just yet, mostly because I'm still working on the little notes that I had to write to my third grade teacher Mrs. M in our progress book... she made my life miserable with those damn multiplication tables. Further she called me "chatterbox," because talking to Kevin P. who was assigned to the seat next to mine was way more interesting then her method of teaching-not to mention he ended up being my boyfriend in fifth grade all the way to the sixth grade (that's a big deal in the pre-teen years). The demise of our fifth grade infatuation was my first lesson in accepting bad advice and never to let a "friend's" opinion dictate your romantic future...this of course, is a completely different story.

After going through previous written works, I realized that I developed the habit of only resorting to writing when searching for that same release, rather than creating the time to have a moment to do something that I love. I reemphasize that I am excited about this 52 week challenge to permit this time. I believe that it will be uplifting and inspiring because whether or not you want to read it...I've got something to say. In addition, I have planned to take at least one writing course in this new year, the very same one I've been putting off for some time now, acceptable since I was in graduate school. Let's consider this the flywheel concept, building momentum to take necessary steps forward thereby accumulating visible results. Feel free to participate and monitor and share thoughts on whether I have grown or fallen off track throughout the course of 2011. This challenge will encourage further reading and investigation, a bit of research...creativity. Any topics you wish to share are welcome... Challenge me, I dare you. My goal is to be inspired by a given topic, not personal strife.

Week 1: Be fly in July Weight Watchers Challenge

In December 2009, I finally had enough with my weight. I noticed myself expanding and it had been flagged for immediate action, imagine how that felt coming from loved ones. I made a pact with myself at an early age to love myself unconditionally-- so I didn't pout and complain about weight and really had no desire to be skinny... I just wanted to look better. I wanted my clothes to fit properly and I didn't want to feel as though I was struggling just to walk up a set of stairs.

Taking heed to these suggestions, I created a short term goal to lose as much weight as I could before my birthday and low and behold I shed 13 lbs in a little less than one month's time. YIPPEEEEEE :) By February, I shed 20 lbs and by April, I could fit into a pair of size 6 pants! I was just too cute for words. Of course losing weight at this speed is unhealthy and I knew exactly what I was doing... ATKINS. By June, the end of school was rearing its ugly head along with some unwanted visitors in my life and I hopped off the band wagon and started stuffing cupcakes down my throat, a food I hadn't particularly cared for in the past. Why now?

Admittedly, I didn't have the most healthy menu while on the fad diet, consuming crab legs with garlic and butter every other day, supplemented by Bubba Burgers for lunch and dinner--and lets not forget breakfast, the most important meal of the day... an egg and cheese omelet with deep fried bacon. NO wonder I was so successful on Atkins... I was pigging out more than ever before! It was absolutely a m a z i n g. When dining out I could still consume vodka and soda which wasn't too far off from my preferred drink--vodka tonic. The perfect diet! I could go on living life the way I was accustomed to and all I had to do was pee on a stick to measure the ketones in my body. Which only after the fact, I learned that ketones were really bad. In July, the weight gain was a little obvious when a friend came to visit from Miami and I was feeling a little bigger than I had the month prior and over the course of the next two months, it all came back, I gained 20 lbs. Nevertheless, I continue to love myself unconditionally--confident and happy.

The Year 2011 brings with it my sister's wedding to be held in one of the Dominican Republic's most luxurious resorts--- how exciting! There are a few of us preparing for the big day that want to look our absolute best because the woman we love is going to proclaim vows to the one she loves on the beach...barefoot. Today, I contacted the bride and another member of the wedding party to start a small support group for one another. My sister mentioned a little while back that she planned to use the Weight Watchers point system in order to shed a few lbs and while walking to work this morning, I decided to do the same. It got me thinking that all of the women that are going to the wedding could hop on board this wonderful opportunity to bond together and have a shared celebration. Thus creating the Be Fly in July Weight Watchers challenge... and umm- have you seen Jennifer Hudson lately? That is motivation enough. I am so happy for her. I hope that this challenge will come to fruition and I genuinely believe it will bring us girls together in La Republica Dominicana, not to mention bring our swag to a whole new level as the bridal party et al. So...why not? I'm for it.