Life Rant no. 1 (2009)

Who am I? And who is that I really want to be? I am a woman full of strength courage and wisdom. But sadly, this courage and wisdom seems to be buried within. It appears to most that I lack interest with certain feats and maybe this is true. Where have I been for my friends? Where have I been for my boyfriend? Where have I been for my mother? Where have I been for my father? I've messed up time and time again and I have always had someone there to pick up the pieces.... has this lead to the possibility of me not fulfilling what I need to do for others? What are my goals? When I was fresh out of college and full of ambition I wrote a new goal sheet everyday of the week. Inclusive of goals with the peace corps, moving to arizona, traveling the world and getting my master's degree in international affairs. I've been afforded the opportunity in my life to travel-and this has opened my eyes to a completely different world other than what western society has had to offer-but similar to Father Bill from Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal Church I am struggling to understand that I am holding onto one 5 month experience that was significant to me in my life and have not paved the way to to set new examples for me to follow. My trip to Central America was five whole years ago-starting from January 6, 2004. What have I accomplished?

I have finally made a break through effort to myself to admit that I am an angry person. BuT WHY?? This is a constant. I have everything to be thankful for-and I fear what I have to lose to truly embrace it. I have two parents that love and care for me and want to move mountains for me to succeed and do well and have opened the door to allow me to be exposed to the world and sheltered me from all of the things that I've already experienced in my own self defiance. How many experiences do I have to go through, before I learn my lesson. A friend of mine recently stated: "The hard headed, always gotta feel it in order to believe it."
The clock struck 12:00 Midnight for 1 January 2009. A sense of fear came over me. Probably because I understand this year, will be one of struggle. Noone should ever plan to struggle-I suppose- but I already know that if I want to get to the next steps in life-it is imperative. My goal for this year is to enter into graduate school, by attending graduate school- I hope to get a better job, one that makes me happy, as I am unhappy as an assistant. I guess I saw more potential in myself then just becoming an assistant, and while it was a well desired goal for me to be a part of the United Nations, I now feel that I am able to consciously move on with my life and decide to do something more with myself. I have been realistically looking into graduate schools, and I am thinking that maybe, just maybe- I should challenge myself to attend the CUNY Graduate Center for a Master's in Political Science. This -has the potential to go into a doctoral program, which will help fulfill my desired dream of being a professor. I have learned and begun to acknowledge that I am a person who thrives on the process, and I am so busy focusing on the obstacles that I am not focusing on the desire to obtain the goal. My personal endeavors and inhibited motivation are affecting me on a personal level. I have neglected those that I love and have neglected those that love me. Worst of all- I have squandered my time neglecting myself. I haven't been taking care of the foundation for me to get to the next steps in my life. This is getting me down.

My mother and I had a very real conversation this morning. Probably the first in life- that was calm. She shared with me that she is questioning her self worth, and why she even tries in life. Admittedly, I can be very mean to my mother, and really can't pin point why. She is a powerful woman, that makes a difference in her community. She has always beat my ass to make sure that I needed to do all the things that I needed to do-living in her household, in my own realm of self-defiance I turned to alcohol to avoid coming home on time. Coming home on time was boring to me. Coming home on time, was a chore. Coming home at all-was not something I desired to do-finally, I have said to myself the time has come to move out, and God has provided the outlet for me to take over a friend's apartment. The way I see it, is, if I'm not doing it for myself- I will do it for her. Why is that? Why haven't I built the courage to move out on my own. That is something to be addressed at a later date. I believe that at one point, I was striving so hard to be an adult and assert myself into my life as adult-that I negated to be an adult. Coming home to people who embraced me and have already had a pre-conceived notion about what I am about was unhealthy. Although advice was given, I struggled to accept the possibility that they may be right. It is difficult to acknowledge one's fault. Very difficult. In the midst of learning all of my faults from others and finally accepting them for myself- I now believe that this what has provoked me to be self defiant. Instead of using feedback as a positive-since it was so constant, instead turned out against me. The easiest thing to do was to party and live up life-as a young adult with no care and responsibility. This has caused my family not to see me as an adult. Granted, my age-states that I am adult- but my actions stated otherwise. I am starting to think, my real issue with my mother is that she does not respect me as an adult-I have this need to do things on my own...and she is always so busy following up with me-that its annoying. In which case, I turn around and get annoyed...and end up not doing it anyway. What is that? How does that work for me? I spent a lot of time looking down my nose at some of my friends and thinking about how sheltered and naive they are/were that they've surpassed me in levels of adult hood that now I look at them and ask for guidance.

Guidance, interesting... Voluntary guidance frustrates me-sought out guidance often times surprises me. My father shared with me this morning, that I am an adult-and capable of figuring things out on my own. It's always interesting when one of my parents says-well I am an adult and I can do whatever I want. I guess I always wanted that from my mother. I never have been sure whether or not she has ever taken me seriously.

This is frustrating.

I can wipe my own ass!!!!

For the very few that know my quirks...my heart goes out to you-and for those that don't...allow me to shed a little light on what I mean. My mother refers to me as her "independent child,"or "defiant child," and as much as I would hate to admit that---- she is kinda right.

How many people do you know that are defiant? Defiant against God, religion...authority? A bunch, I'm sure... How many do you know that defy themselves? I know one, and you're reading her... I am the worst kind of defiant. I am SELF-defiant. Isn't that like going against the law of nature? Its not logical! It's a wonder how I passed Vanderbeek's class senior year of high school since it appears I missed the lesson where he explained the "if...then" notion. Let's use alcohol as an example, (Note* I am recovering from a fun night last night) "Hmm... this gin and tonic tastes really good... but you know what... It's a little strong and I'm buzzing, so I think I'll pour it out- don't want to get drunk!" six minutes later... "Hi, I'd like a heineken please." ----WHAT!??----Rest assured, this is not solely applicable to alcohol use, so please-spare me on how much you think I may need to go to rehab.

Today I was scheduled for the GRE, ugggh, the dreaded...I rescheduled thankfully for early February because I didn't study. That's right I said it- Its not that I didn't study enough-no I didn't study- I opened the book a few times, read a few questions, bought a new computer to use the software, developed and organized a weekly agenda for study time-with topics to study, taken from the KAPLAN website, (I stole their sample syllabus) and I purchased something like 5 books to study... just a tad over kill perhaps and yet, I still did not want to do it. Do I want to go to graduate school!? I vowed I was never going to take the GRE. I really don't think its great measure of my capacity to function in the real world. Anyhow, the fact of the matter is that if I want to go to specific school x, then, I have to take the GRE-right?...so Like Nike just do it?? Not me, I won't....

There are days when I struggle to see the bigger picture and wish someone could set up all the necessities of life so I can just handle my business, sort of like a paint by numbers type deal. Usually the reverse occurs, when one offers assistance, I take note-whether they know it or not...and then I claw their eyes out for telling me about myself. Fact is... I can wipe my own ass! However true or false it may be, I'm defiant against the world and I won't let you believe otherwise. I can't remember what happened during my tried efforts at asserting myself into the real world, but somewhere along the way I just became this rock, that stood still and didn't do all the things it once did, like break down into composite minerals or do whatever neat things rocks do...(ok rando...but still) It seems like my life consists of dis-placement- Like-I don't belong here, wrong job...wrong decisions...wrong hobbies/habits. I know I can do it, its just a matter of getting there. I'm bored and want to bust out of this joint. If I stay here any longer-I'll be prone to west nile from stagnation.

Back to the real issue at hand, self-defiance...? Shouldn't that be unheard of? I sit in the car, and a great song comes on and while I'm jamming and the other riders in the cars next to me are hysterically laughing at the crazy girl dancing in her car- I change the channel mid-song...not because I'm tired of it but because I want to see what else is on. Wierd! A childhood friend, now getting his PhD in Psychology once analyzed me in a car ride, in fact, he's the one that brought it to my attention. He exclaimed, "You have issues..." since for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why anyone that was enjoying music would change it. Could I be like the character from Nickelodeon's cartoon, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron? Dr. Finbarr Calamitous is the name...The mad scientist that starts a project, a sentence, a donut, whatever-and never finishes it? Nah, whatever- I'm pretty sure it's not that deep. But what's the deal with that?

Friendship...life...passion and the pursuit of happiness.....

Thus the countdown has begun, a matter of days before my blessed born day. My one day out of the year where its ALL about me. I get to dwell in my head-and reflect where I've been and seek where I'm going....a chance to make wishes and blow out birthday candles- a chance to turn over a new leaf as the new year commences... how symbolic. The new year begins as the clock strikes 12:00 with the close of my birthday. While everyone starts the new year with a new age-me and the year change together...what could this possibly mean? Who knows... but for me this year is a little different- I've spent every year counting down the days like a little child anxiously awaiting christmas morning-----I know the feeling- I wake up beaming from within... as my mother greets me and says... "It was me and you kid... 20-something years ago...yep...it was me and you." My family takes good care of me on my special day-but I can't help but feel a little stuck when it comes to my friends. And so we have it.... My birthday has got to be one of the toughest days of the year, New Year's Eve. As a little girl, I would thrive on the fact that the world celebrated my special day- in INCREMENTS from Australia to Bali to The United States and Zimbabwe. Whatever the method- its the perfect time to shake off plagues-and proclaim to thyself... "OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW." I'm thinking these days as I hope to pick up the phone and give a shout to my friends... I feel the pool is quite sparse-I've scolded old friends for not keeping touch-in which case I was told off--and I'm still a little shocked about, I've been told that I wasn't there when a friend needed me at her most vulnerable time-when I had absolutely no clue she was going through anything at all. In fact I was floored at the items on her agenda she had to share-she never told me at least not when I called to ask how she was doing...One day she just stopped returning my calls...stopped answering my messages-and to my dismay... she called me by accident and spilled her guts. Needless to say things haven't been the same. Thus the countdown has begun, a matter of days before my blessed born day...and I don't even know who to call. (Not to say she is my only friend)

Last year, I threw myself a BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA at the Jasmine Gallery- a trendy loft off Broadway and 18th. It was the 25th year so I figured, if anyone is going to make a big deal- it should be me.... I decided the best time to have it was on 30 December to ensure that everyone would show up, this simply due in part by the fact that I take into consideration all the aspects of what people do on New Year's Eve but this time...not so much. I kinda lack interest in catering to the need of the other on MY DAY- especially when I was there...I WAS THERE...holding the hair of some of my friends and coaching them as they tongue kissed the porcelain God.

In my lifetime I've received a plethora of "sorry girl its snowing," I've even heard.. "I have to see what else is going on that night..." and of course as always I understand the ones that say-"I have to go to church," or "I will be with family." For this I can not be upset-nope... still can't be upset for the-"I'll be out of town." I am fed up. I admit... it is hard for anyone to knock me off of my High Horse on Queen Andrea's day-but I guess... in my scramble to help my super sweet and amazingly thoughtful boyfriend put something together for the big day three weeks from now- I can't even create a guest list... like I can't even begin to think of who to call... he actually developed a list and put the names on the table... SHEEZ....I know that I can put a list together-no problem and have a nice little sum of people on like January 5th or even 30 December-but when... just when will I actually have a birthday where its me...and MY FRIENDS....in Manhattan at a swanky upscale event that isn't $125 dollars to get in....and furthermore...celebrating my birthday first.... MY day-and THEN the new year. Its few and far between....In fact on my 21st birthday some friends of mine were throwing me a little joint collaboration New Year/birthday party for me which was ultra sweet-but it was in New Rochelle, and my mother said I couldn't go...not to mention my car was in bad shape... she then sent me out with my sister and her friends. So-I got in the car- crying on my 21st birthday-on my way to the city-on my way to having the time of my life with my sister and her friends on my 21st birthday-oh and did I mention... I was the most sober one that night? Following up after the other 6 girls that were drunkenly roaming NYC as oblivious "out of towners..." Another set of friends has done the same joint collabo type deal-so as not to seem ungrateful-because I TRULY am thankful, here's my little shoutout-I appreciate you-that really made me feel good.

Ok-Now that QUEENZILLA has expressed her little emotional rant about her bday wishes.... What I really want to know is where does the time go that I can't seem to maintain a healthy relationship with all of the people that I love and care about?...vise versa? I realize I am not the bad guy-but I am just as responsible as the other party... I mean.. have we grown a part? Have I changed? Do I front like my shit don't stink? The main reason for questioning is... who could I really depend on to give me their New Year-and be happy about it...? (Aside from family and my loving boyfriend) Yes, I'm blessed to have these folks in my life-but what I question is... If I'm there on your day- wouldn't you be there on mine? Don't be fooled by this blog-it's bigger than this... my friends-where are you? Let's do lunch... Let's have girl's night out... (No offense to my guy friends :) We can go chill at the bar) really though...What's up?

Smartphones

Ok , so wouldn't the purpose of starting a blog, actually be to blog? I've got soooo much to talk about-but soooo little time, I've actually decided to put my money where my mouth is and invest in a data plan for those boring moments commuting on the Long Island Rail Road....since I currently have a blackberry pearl (with no data plan.) With this said, for getting this is actually the 21st century, I was thinking of buying a tiny little device that was like a laptop only smaller and less expensive and for the life of me I could not come up with a solution (I swear I really had this talk with myself in the world of Angie) And then it struck me... OMG- A CELL PHONE...JUST like the one I have... since I haven't been a techy by any sort with mobile communications-this was not my first guess. Big duh.

NOW -I'm concerned that my mental vomit will be ilegable due to the T9 wording/keyboard...For example, if I attempt to type g i v e, it first picks HIV then I get give with the added e-hmm.. not quite the mistake I want to make whilst blogging or even texting for that matter-Let's poll! What kind of phone do
you think I should get.... I really like the new Google G-1 Phone offered through t-mobile-but I have at&t and I'm quite content with this carrier.


Now let's see if I can pull myself away from the addictive game of brickbreaker :)

Funny....

Life in the fast lane....

I spent all day slaving over this excel file-double and triple checking to ensure that I was accurate, because sometimes I know I can make mistakes... New boss said she was going down for coffee and said when she would come back that she wanted to see the list that I was working on. Well before she went down I was just finishing up, but I hadn't created the accurate list as yet! WHOA-naturally you can imagine that this was a boost of energy and determination to get this to her as prompt and efficiently as possible... already having been drained by being a slave to the desk for the day- I had to force myself to go to lunch. I thought I was so dedicated...going to lunch which I don't usually do-I usually just eat at my desk! I thought it would clear my head and allow me to breathe some fresh air....After lunch, I truly believed I had completed an amazing list. I really did- It was color coded and even had a legend-which did not require too much time at all-it was merely trying to present a complete package. You can imagine my dismay-when I presented her my excel spreadsheet-and she picked out three mistakes straight out the gate. I was mortified...and tried my hardest not to make any excuses... but I couldn't BELIEVE for something I was soooooooooo meticulous about for an entire day and then scrambled to create an added list at the last minute from this fabulous foundation that ANY mistake was able to slip through my fingers the way that one did -OR- the multiple ones that slipped through my fingers I should say... Bummer... What a way to end a day that I thought was full of productivity. Back to the grill again...

My boyfriend always shares with me that I am poor at gauging how long it will take me to complete a task. New boss has requested a 100% accurate time for me to submit my tweaks and such-and so I finally listened to my boy and told her 11:00 SURELY... this will be enough time...it better be!

Like Nike.....

Like Nike... Just do it. As I've recently found out from a UN survey based on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator Test, I am a "process oriented" person. Which basically means instead of being able to do tasks and focusing on doing tasks and ensuring that tasks get done, I spend one million years trying to figure out the best strategic method to do it OR- take my sweet precious time suffering through the anxiety of having to do it. This is probably one of the biggest struggles for me- add that with attention deficit disorder- and you have a seemingly lazyyyyy person. It really is a hardship... I wonder if I can collect disability. Tee hee, in my dreams!!!!

Let's talk about my 'process' of applying to graduate school. From the day I started, what was then my new job two years ago- I was gung ho about obtaining a Master's in Public Health-- THEN- I changed it to Sustainable Development, Conflict Theory, International Relations, International Political Economy and Development, Public Administration and I think (Yes I think...) I'm going to change it again-to what, I am not entirely sure. This has been plaguing me for centuries.. ok I'm not that old, but for a really long time. It's been two years since my endeavor to start graduate school has begun-and here we are yet again. I truely believe that since I graduated college...I spend my life living in my head. Although funny and interesting-the realm that is Andrea-doesn't actually convert into the real world. Sad but true.

My father and I were chatting the other day and he stated with vengeance-" I don't know why my daughters think that life is sooo much bigger than it is- just do it!" Then he went on to talk about an assortment of other agenda items about love, marriage, age appropriateness and such. Which got me thinking.... (YES THINKING again...) What am I really doing here? The dangerous part starts here...Admittedly- I have a drinking problem, I am not an alcoholic or anything as I do not depend on alcohol to conduct my daily life-but, I have a problem. I'd rather go to the bar than go to the gym, I'd rather go the bar than study and I can rack up $400 in two months on treating myself and others to a good time. Here and there is no big deal-but I basically (excuse the vulgarity) piss my money, time and life away. Don't dare ask me to stop- or tell me I have a problem- then it is "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!!!" Honestly- I'd have to say through my drunken realm of exploration I do learn a lot about myself.. Anyhow-this isn't a blog about alcoholism- this is my rant on life. Believe it or not- I am actually productive- but not hardly as productive as I want to be or even have the potential to be.

Here's the deal, I can't understand where the time goes? For example, I LOVE to travel-but I haven't been anywhere seriously in a year and a half- WHAT?! Like that used to be my hobby-and all of a sudden- POOF- it's gone. Boy-that $400 woulda been a nice trip to Costa Rica or even Mexico or a little something something toward a trip to Tokyo, Brazil, Italy, Morrocco, or ZIMBABWE! Instead I'll be paying off my credit card bill- with added interest for God knows how long. The good thing though-is I have a nice little cruise coming up for some R & R- but really doesn't compare to my former life as AET- The World Wanderer.

In Addition, it seems I do the opposite of what I say I want to do- Or what I really intended to do- like shopping for a computer I wanted a macbook-that was too expensive and it didn't meet my daily needs-so I went to Best Buy to make my investment on a less expensive laptop. Of course I didn't actually buy a laptop! I bought a desktop which cost $100 less than the macbook. Go figure. Although a fabulous investment... completely left wing from what I said I wanted to do.

So here we are- Applying to graduate school- and even though my passion is writing and I hope to one day be a famous author and not to mention millionaire... I somehow thought I wanted to go to school for Public Administration... hmm.. does that not seem off to you? If you want to be a writer-shouldn't you go to school for writing? Or did I somehow just think that in the midst of all the life craziness that I was going to be able to continue with my hobby (which hasn't worked thus far...) Don't get me wrong, I have enrolled in a certificate program for Public Administration to get a feel-and I do like it...but when I think (YES AGAIN!) about two years from now when I'm done, I couldn't care LESS about searching for a job in Public Administration- I love helping people and providing a service-but for all the angry people and bureaucratic measures that I have to deal with- I'd rather spend my time kicking a rock or two or three...

Anyhow, while I'm busy cleaning my desk, picking my nose, brushing my hair and taking the lent off my shirt before I click submit for a master's program- (process) It'd be nice to gain some insight. I hope you are able to share some of your thoughts (to spare me from torturing myself) on how to conquer my inability to stop thinking and start doing....