I can wipe my own ass!!!!

For the very few that know my quirks...my heart goes out to you-and for those that don't...allow me to shed a little light on what I mean. My mother refers to me as her "independent child,"or "defiant child," and as much as I would hate to admit that---- she is kinda right.

How many people do you know that are defiant? Defiant against God, religion...authority? A bunch, I'm sure... How many do you know that defy themselves? I know one, and you're reading her... I am the worst kind of defiant. I am SELF-defiant. Isn't that like going against the law of nature? Its not logical! It's a wonder how I passed Vanderbeek's class senior year of high school since it appears I missed the lesson where he explained the "if...then" notion. Let's use alcohol as an example, (Note* I am recovering from a fun night last night) "Hmm... this gin and tonic tastes really good... but you know what... It's a little strong and I'm buzzing, so I think I'll pour it out- don't want to get drunk!" six minutes later... "Hi, I'd like a heineken please." ----WHAT!??----Rest assured, this is not solely applicable to alcohol use, so please-spare me on how much you think I may need to go to rehab.

Today I was scheduled for the GRE, ugggh, the dreaded...I rescheduled thankfully for early February because I didn't study. That's right I said it- Its not that I didn't study enough-no I didn't study- I opened the book a few times, read a few questions, bought a new computer to use the software, developed and organized a weekly agenda for study time-with topics to study, taken from the KAPLAN website, (I stole their sample syllabus) and I purchased something like 5 books to study... just a tad over kill perhaps and yet, I still did not want to do it. Do I want to go to graduate school!? I vowed I was never going to take the GRE. I really don't think its great measure of my capacity to function in the real world. Anyhow, the fact of the matter is that if I want to go to specific school x, then, I have to take the GRE-right?...so Like Nike just do it?? Not me, I won't....

There are days when I struggle to see the bigger picture and wish someone could set up all the necessities of life so I can just handle my business, sort of like a paint by numbers type deal. Usually the reverse occurs, when one offers assistance, I take note-whether they know it or not...and then I claw their eyes out for telling me about myself. Fact is... I can wipe my own ass! However true or false it may be, I'm defiant against the world and I won't let you believe otherwise. I can't remember what happened during my tried efforts at asserting myself into the real world, but somewhere along the way I just became this rock, that stood still and didn't do all the things it once did, like break down into composite minerals or do whatever neat things rocks do...(ok rando...but still) It seems like my life consists of dis-placement- Like-I don't belong here, wrong job...wrong decisions...wrong hobbies/habits. I know I can do it, its just a matter of getting there. I'm bored and want to bust out of this joint. If I stay here any longer-I'll be prone to west nile from stagnation.

Back to the real issue at hand, self-defiance...? Shouldn't that be unheard of? I sit in the car, and a great song comes on and while I'm jamming and the other riders in the cars next to me are hysterically laughing at the crazy girl dancing in her car- I change the channel mid-song...not because I'm tired of it but because I want to see what else is on. Wierd! A childhood friend, now getting his PhD in Psychology once analyzed me in a car ride, in fact, he's the one that brought it to my attention. He exclaimed, "You have issues..." since for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why anyone that was enjoying music would change it. Could I be like the character from Nickelodeon's cartoon, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron? Dr. Finbarr Calamitous is the name...The mad scientist that starts a project, a sentence, a donut, whatever-and never finishes it? Nah, whatever- I'm pretty sure it's not that deep. But what's the deal with that?

Like Nike.....

Like Nike... Just do it. As I've recently found out from a UN survey based on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator Test, I am a "process oriented" person. Which basically means instead of being able to do tasks and focusing on doing tasks and ensuring that tasks get done, I spend one million years trying to figure out the best strategic method to do it OR- take my sweet precious time suffering through the anxiety of having to do it. This is probably one of the biggest struggles for me- add that with attention deficit disorder- and you have a seemingly lazyyyyy person. It really is a hardship... I wonder if I can collect disability. Tee hee, in my dreams!!!!

Let's talk about my 'process' of applying to graduate school. From the day I started, what was then my new job two years ago- I was gung ho about obtaining a Master's in Public Health-- THEN- I changed it to Sustainable Development, Conflict Theory, International Relations, International Political Economy and Development, Public Administration and I think (Yes I think...) I'm going to change it again-to what, I am not entirely sure. This has been plaguing me for centuries.. ok I'm not that old, but for a really long time. It's been two years since my endeavor to start graduate school has begun-and here we are yet again. I truely believe that since I graduated college...I spend my life living in my head. Although funny and interesting-the realm that is Andrea-doesn't actually convert into the real world. Sad but true.

My father and I were chatting the other day and he stated with vengeance-" I don't know why my daughters think that life is sooo much bigger than it is- just do it!" Then he went on to talk about an assortment of other agenda items about love, marriage, age appropriateness and such. Which got me thinking.... (YES THINKING again...) What am I really doing here? The dangerous part starts here...Admittedly- I have a drinking problem, I am not an alcoholic or anything as I do not depend on alcohol to conduct my daily life-but, I have a problem. I'd rather go to the bar than go to the gym, I'd rather go the bar than study and I can rack up $400 in two months on treating myself and others to a good time. Here and there is no big deal-but I basically (excuse the vulgarity) piss my money, time and life away. Don't dare ask me to stop- or tell me I have a problem- then it is "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!!!" Honestly- I'd have to say through my drunken realm of exploration I do learn a lot about myself.. Anyhow-this isn't a blog about alcoholism- this is my rant on life. Believe it or not- I am actually productive- but not hardly as productive as I want to be or even have the potential to be.

Here's the deal, I can't understand where the time goes? For example, I LOVE to travel-but I haven't been anywhere seriously in a year and a half- WHAT?! Like that used to be my hobby-and all of a sudden- POOF- it's gone. Boy-that $400 woulda been a nice trip to Costa Rica or even Mexico or a little something something toward a trip to Tokyo, Brazil, Italy, Morrocco, or ZIMBABWE! Instead I'll be paying off my credit card bill- with added interest for God knows how long. The good thing though-is I have a nice little cruise coming up for some R & R- but really doesn't compare to my former life as AET- The World Wanderer.

In Addition, it seems I do the opposite of what I say I want to do- Or what I really intended to do- like shopping for a computer I wanted a macbook-that was too expensive and it didn't meet my daily needs-so I went to Best Buy to make my investment on a less expensive laptop. Of course I didn't actually buy a laptop! I bought a desktop which cost $100 less than the macbook. Go figure. Although a fabulous investment... completely left wing from what I said I wanted to do.

So here we are- Applying to graduate school- and even though my passion is writing and I hope to one day be a famous author and not to mention millionaire... I somehow thought I wanted to go to school for Public Administration... hmm.. does that not seem off to you? If you want to be a writer-shouldn't you go to school for writing? Or did I somehow just think that in the midst of all the life craziness that I was going to be able to continue with my hobby (which hasn't worked thus far...) Don't get me wrong, I have enrolled in a certificate program for Public Administration to get a feel-and I do like it...but when I think (YES AGAIN!) about two years from now when I'm done, I couldn't care LESS about searching for a job in Public Administration- I love helping people and providing a service-but for all the angry people and bureaucratic measures that I have to deal with- I'd rather spend my time kicking a rock or two or three...

Anyhow, while I'm busy cleaning my desk, picking my nose, brushing my hair and taking the lent off my shirt before I click submit for a master's program- (process) It'd be nice to gain some insight. I hope you are able to share some of your thoughts (to spare me from torturing myself) on how to conquer my inability to stop thinking and start doing....