Blessings amongst the clutter.

During my traveling years of self exploration, a friend of mine once shared the following quote: "Never own more than you can carry." I admired her for her minimalist personality and her ability to be disconnected to material items. Years before she shared with me this special quote, I was reading a book by Iyanla Vanzant entitled: Faith in the Valley: Lessons for Women on their journey to peace and there was a specific passage that really stood out in my mind which mentioned that blessings could be hidden in the most discreet locations- In the top of the closet, in the basement, under the sink in the bathroom. When your life and affairs are in order -- you can travel the road less burdened. I've found that she was right.

I have this tendency in my life to flow like the wind-moving from one place to the next in a two year rotation. I am learning that my high school years were extremely critical to my development. It was certainly a transition for me from child to teen to adult. Aside from the actual physical encounters and emotional affects, about seven years ago my grandmother on my mom's side came to live with us in Long Island as she was getting older and unfortunately not able to take care of herself as independently as she used to. On moving day, I was finally granted permission to move into my older sister's former room which was the garage. That was a challenge all by itself--- I think that she is guilty of the same thing as me. I cleaned out her room and took my time to organize and chronicle her life. All she had to do was give me the ok to throw certain items away. In moving into her former space and taking the time to make it my own, I completely left my old life behind. Completely. In 2005, my grandmother died and the room was pristined for a little bit of time, and admittedly became the family storage unit. Noone had the heart to alter the room, since it still had her fragrance in addition to the setup of her nightly routine with her clothes neatly laid out. The sight of this room plagued us all, and the convenience of having a dumping ground was certainly helpful. Upon reflecting on the passage from Iyanla Vanzant recently, I felt compelled to take that responsibility of cleaning out the obscene battle ground the room had become. For a month, I prepared myself for this occasion. I gave forewarning to all parties involved and incorporated through my Christmas shopping helpful boxes which have been used to sort certain items.

The benefit of overhauling this room at my mother's house was not only to satisfy organizational purposes--but in my own selfish reasoning to explore a life I once knew. My grandmother was living in my old room, since noone thought that it would be her permanent location- it was untouched and filled with my entire childhood. Every last little tidbit that was left behind. I do honestly feel guilty for having my grandmother live in this type of lifestyle, but it was better to have a filled room, than an empty room and she was always so loving and accepting.

Cleaning this room has proven therapeutic for me... I actually think I've been depressed my entire life.

Debt.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I don't owe you anything? Did I forget to mention that...!!!?? Regardless of me forgetting to mention it... What actually made you expect that to begin with? I don't understand, could you please clarify that for me?

2009 - 45 days left to go....

I stumbled upon my own blog today and it has been abandoned for reasons unknown. A girlfriend of mine invited me to one of her blogs and sure enough my interest was piqued and I decided to take a gander at my own. While I had thought the last blog I composed was in April or May, I realized it was March 3 and today is November 16. Needless to say its been quite a while since I've passed over this... How does a writer begin to explain? Perhaps this is where the void in my life needs to be filled.

The truth is that when time is not taken to do those passionate agenda items on a daily basis... a void is created due to lack of self fulfillment. I've been working myself toward the 2009 year in review blog... (coming soon...so stay tuned!) it may however be more of a mini-book than it will be a blog. Reason being...as previously stated-when the clock struck midnight on January 1 of this year, I knew that it would be one of the hardest years of my life and it has been. (One of the hardest...not the hardest) From moving out on my own to taking on Graduate School, to being a Godmother, a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend... a girlfriend then best friend/life partner. A rebel...a secretary (for the first time in my life!) a ditz... an alcoholic...a depressed character from the reality show called life... a teenage rebel... a self defiant bitch... an angry woman... a sad girl...a confused person, a disabled person, a medicated person, a selfish chica... a peasant...the butt of jokes... the victim... the insecure one and 'overly secure' one, the chubby one...the smoker... the bad friend...the distant one. The awarded one, the ambitious one...the wanna-be...the incompetent...the damaged and sub-average one... The spiteful one, the oppositional one and the cheap one...

Though I've been a lot of things this year and in my life in general my year in review will allow me to peacefully say... I've shed this skin...and 2010 will be so much brighter. (Graduation in June is on the horizon...)

Interestingly enough, the girlfriend who brought me here today shared with me a tidbit of information that all writer's must know...to write every day. "No matter what" she exclaimed, "you have got to write every day." I somehow believe in my own twisted mind capacity, I often do things backwards and opposite as you'll read in Like Nike...just do it... so perhaps my New Year's/Birthday Resolution will be to challenge myself N O T to write every day...and maybe to gain 40 lbs while I'm at it ;) In challenging myself to eat more...maybe I will lose weight. HAAA...imagine that. Thank you friend for welcoming me back home to blogger...

Talk to you soon.

I totally dig it...

Here I am sitting in my new apartment and I totally dig it. It's my first weekend to myself to walk around and experience the neighborhood---I'm completely speechless...ok maybe not, since I'm writing this blog :)

Empowered Women... (a satire)

I am an empowered woman. I am so empowered...that I forget to be courteous. I forget to say thank you when someone opens the door.

I am so empowered...I walk around with hair under arms in my tiny tank top. I refuse to feed into society's definition of hygiene. I'm so empowered, I refuse to cover my mouth when I cough, or excuse myself when I belch. I am woman. HEAR ME ROAR.

Just so you know...I purposely carry my purse with my elbow sticking out so noone can pass...they need to know... THIS is my space and if to pass, I shall not kow tow, you will simply have to walk around.

I am so empowered, if someone says hello as I pass, I hold my head high... or stare blankly without reply. It is not ok to talk to me. I am an empowered woman.

I'll sing as loud as I please... in my apartment, on city buses, on trains... if you dare seem the least bit interested...I will sing louder, so you know...your thoughts don't affect me. I am empowered, yes you see.

I'm so empowered, I will smile in your face and pretend my life...is A-OK to all around me, with the exception of those beneath me...noone cares about the way they feel... Why should I?, I'm empowered...right? I'm so empowered, I don't believe I have to change. I don't believe change is necessary. Who needs growth? This man better pick up my tab... who does he think I am... I am too classy for that. I am so divine, can't you see I'm an empowered woman... I bought these $1300, shoes...so really you owe me...you owe me because I look so fabulous... I'm empowered. YES...ME! I live in a shell...a bubble.

I am an empowered woman.

note: This is everyone woman who was too strong to admit they were really just acting like a jerk.

Thoughts....

Why are the worst notions of concern unecessarily? The Catalyst of all insecurity - Self contemplation and evaluation? The consumption of energies- fueling fire... Burning Bridges- Skipping beats and festering tendencies- Reservations of ecstacy-- uncommon traits of indemnity...

Hearts Throb -- with piercing jolts.. Openness has come to an abrupt HAULT

-- DO NOT GO IN THERE!!--

The dangerous lives of love and fantasy- windows smashing with new realities and brutal fatalities of a person I once knew...

Passionate cries from molding mountains with longevity of safety and security....

To be continued...

Six Hundred-fifty pounds lighter

What I don't understand is that I really fought for you to be here. Fought for YOU--as any friend should do. I didn't need to, and I didn't need you, I sought to help. The return, well, not so great. I'm stuck with your tab and overdraft fees. Although, I'm savvy enough to make it work---the point is-you left me dangling in the sunlight.

As I recall, one day, you beefed over $20. Caveat you and this person no longer speak. EEK... Am I a sap?.... a pushover?

I've reflected long and hard---since I have a tendency to point the finger in all the wrong directions polar opposite to me...but this time?!! Nah, I'm good. I checked myself, I thought of all possibilities that could come true... my biggest downfall was trusting you. It was purely on the merit of our friendship, I was lenient. NEVER AGAIN....NEVER AGAIN.... Rest assured, right hand on the bible, I can never be that foolish again.

It's funny, how time and time again... it was my fault you didn't get the job you wanted. It was my fault, that I refused to put your resume through without a cover letter?? Or all the the other supporting documentation?

I listen to you... and you always find someone else to place the blame. You moved here, on your own merit... hoping, that you would have a shot at a different life... you basically had your friend carry you, and then when she fended for herself...you were left with your hands tied ---because YOU didn't do enough for you. Friends carry eachother, but as I am learning evermore, self is foundation. Selfish-is you-trust...they are not the same.

Nevertheless, as the big person my mother taught me to be, I'm proud of you for taking the intitiative to be there for you. Unfortunately, that's not good enough for me. No matter which way you look at it, you left me flapping in the breeze. Everything you said about it, everything you promised you'd do, I'm sure leaving, was the best thing you could do...you left a relationship lighter and two friendships down the drain. I tried not to be mad, I really did. I waited, patiently at that. Here we are, three weeks down the line. You're nowhere to be found. I had a feeling you weren't going to be there---and I was right. "What goes around, comes around..." and although I wish you the best, CUIDATE y espero en, you will lay in the bed you made.

Here are your bags, you checked at the door... I dropped them off at baggage claim-bag lady. Rest assured, you know where to find me, remember...? Hanging in the breeze... Only this time... don't.

Baby Mama Drama....

I don't understand, and probably never will be able to understand the thoughts of men. Perhaps this will be a biased blog, perhaps not. Some might argue that good men don't turn bad, until a woman has hurt them and vise versa in the realm of women as in...women don't turn bad until they are shunned by men. For the life of me I just can't seem to understand, a woman... coniving and decietful as she may be...get's knocked up to keep her man.

Too many parents are stranded, having to play the dual character of mom and dad. For whatever the case may be--how is it that parents can turn their backs on the lives of their children? What if your parent turned their back on you. For those, that have experienced this- I'm sorry. I assure you, however, this blog is purely to support you.

Lies, Cheating, Drunken behavior-popular reasoning for abandonment, but certainly not jusitifiable means. What would be the alternative option?

Love for your child... Isn't that like love at first sight? I believe, I can imagine. This is an extension of you. Your child is your life, your child is you. If you had to do yours all over again--what would you provide for you child that you didn't have?

So what is with this struggle for power? If you have undying love for your child, then... why the drama--- be all that you can be for your baby if not for yourself in knowing you have to provide.

Self-investments.

Maybe if I spent half as much time, typing away on my homework assignments as I do on gmail... I'd have my paper done by now. Yea, I've had two weeks to complete, and while I've quite the hectic schedule recently, it doesn't mean I've had to negate my work. It's as though, I purely try to avoid having to do things in a timely and efficient manner, it's like the minute fire is being spit up my butt, is the moment, I finally decide to get it together and pull something out of my ass... (the one I can wipe...right?!)

Most days, I secretly wish facebook didn't exist. I can't tell you the amount of times I click on facebook when I am at my desk preparing to do some work---only to find that I have notifications waiting for me...YIPPEE! and that somehow captures my attention way better than any chart or graph analysis could do for me-amazingly. Maybe...If I invested in myself- on a productive level a little bit more often then my beauty sleep---I'd be a lot further along in my life? Everything happens for a reason though, right?

Its alarming and intriguing at the same time, I have this clear sense of the self, but am often lacking in focus. It says so much about my personality. To be quite honest, I don't actually believe I desire to live a life with a real 9-5 job. I mean, lots of people wish they didn't have to do that, but you do what you have to survive--the thing is, I actually think its unmotivating. HOW though, do you break the mold? I should know this right? Having the ability as a sociologist to look at the world from the outer persepective?

If only life were that easy, if what goes in my head, could actually translate to paper...or even the wind.

evol

...But the real question at hand is why does love make me angry? Why would love make anyone angry? What is it that I must humbly submit to the realm of emotions? What intentions must I develop to truly embrace love? I am in prison... Incarcerated from the soul. Chained and whipped by self sorrows... Savage...laying in the corner shaking... ACHING to break free. Angry... pointing fingers in every direction but me. Living, Loving and Learning life- A fruitful one at that.. BUT- What must I sacrifice to set myself free? I reflect upon the days when I was just me... when what I rejected was the popular belief. High hopes and dreams flourish above the horizon to destination CEO- as natural life urges are surpressed by the calculation of my 401k. My independence is turning into an A-Sexual Reality when it comes to love.. and at the end of the day the only one left holding my hand is me.

Numb, limp and cold is what I have become to beautiful masculine hands that gently caress- and soft passionate kisses tickling the small of my neck..My security blanket to keep safe and warm- when I need to escape... even me...

Life Rant no. 1 (2009)

Who am I? And who is that I really want to be? I am a woman full of strength courage and wisdom. But sadly, this courage and wisdom seems to be buried within. It appears to most that I lack interest with certain feats and maybe this is true. Where have I been for my friends? Where have I been for my boyfriend? Where have I been for my mother? Where have I been for my father? I've messed up time and time again and I have always had someone there to pick up the pieces.... has this lead to the possibility of me not fulfilling what I need to do for others? What are my goals? When I was fresh out of college and full of ambition I wrote a new goal sheet everyday of the week. Inclusive of goals with the peace corps, moving to arizona, traveling the world and getting my master's degree in international affairs. I've been afforded the opportunity in my life to travel-and this has opened my eyes to a completely different world other than what western society has had to offer-but similar to Father Bill from Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal Church I am struggling to understand that I am holding onto one 5 month experience that was significant to me in my life and have not paved the way to to set new examples for me to follow. My trip to Central America was five whole years ago-starting from January 6, 2004. What have I accomplished?

I have finally made a break through effort to myself to admit that I am an angry person. BuT WHY?? This is a constant. I have everything to be thankful for-and I fear what I have to lose to truly embrace it. I have two parents that love and care for me and want to move mountains for me to succeed and do well and have opened the door to allow me to be exposed to the world and sheltered me from all of the things that I've already experienced in my own self defiance. How many experiences do I have to go through, before I learn my lesson. A friend of mine recently stated: "The hard headed, always gotta feel it in order to believe it."
The clock struck 12:00 Midnight for 1 January 2009. A sense of fear came over me. Probably because I understand this year, will be one of struggle. Noone should ever plan to struggle-I suppose- but I already know that if I want to get to the next steps in life-it is imperative. My goal for this year is to enter into graduate school, by attending graduate school- I hope to get a better job, one that makes me happy, as I am unhappy as an assistant. I guess I saw more potential in myself then just becoming an assistant, and while it was a well desired goal for me to be a part of the United Nations, I now feel that I am able to consciously move on with my life and decide to do something more with myself. I have been realistically looking into graduate schools, and I am thinking that maybe, just maybe- I should challenge myself to attend the CUNY Graduate Center for a Master's in Political Science. This -has the potential to go into a doctoral program, which will help fulfill my desired dream of being a professor. I have learned and begun to acknowledge that I am a person who thrives on the process, and I am so busy focusing on the obstacles that I am not focusing on the desire to obtain the goal. My personal endeavors and inhibited motivation are affecting me on a personal level. I have neglected those that I love and have neglected those that love me. Worst of all- I have squandered my time neglecting myself. I haven't been taking care of the foundation for me to get to the next steps in my life. This is getting me down.

My mother and I had a very real conversation this morning. Probably the first in life- that was calm. She shared with me that she is questioning her self worth, and why she even tries in life. Admittedly, I can be very mean to my mother, and really can't pin point why. She is a powerful woman, that makes a difference in her community. She has always beat my ass to make sure that I needed to do all the things that I needed to do-living in her household, in my own realm of self-defiance I turned to alcohol to avoid coming home on time. Coming home on time was boring to me. Coming home on time, was a chore. Coming home at all-was not something I desired to do-finally, I have said to myself the time has come to move out, and God has provided the outlet for me to take over a friend's apartment. The way I see it, is, if I'm not doing it for myself- I will do it for her. Why is that? Why haven't I built the courage to move out on my own. That is something to be addressed at a later date. I believe that at one point, I was striving so hard to be an adult and assert myself into my life as adult-that I negated to be an adult. Coming home to people who embraced me and have already had a pre-conceived notion about what I am about was unhealthy. Although advice was given, I struggled to accept the possibility that they may be right. It is difficult to acknowledge one's fault. Very difficult. In the midst of learning all of my faults from others and finally accepting them for myself- I now believe that this what has provoked me to be self defiant. Instead of using feedback as a positive-since it was so constant, instead turned out against me. The easiest thing to do was to party and live up life-as a young adult with no care and responsibility. This has caused my family not to see me as an adult. Granted, my age-states that I am adult- but my actions stated otherwise. I am starting to think, my real issue with my mother is that she does not respect me as an adult-I have this need to do things on my own...and she is always so busy following up with me-that its annoying. In which case, I turn around and get annoyed...and end up not doing it anyway. What is that? How does that work for me? I spent a lot of time looking down my nose at some of my friends and thinking about how sheltered and naive they are/were that they've surpassed me in levels of adult hood that now I look at them and ask for guidance.

Guidance, interesting... Voluntary guidance frustrates me-sought out guidance often times surprises me. My father shared with me this morning, that I am an adult-and capable of figuring things out on my own. It's always interesting when one of my parents says-well I am an adult and I can do whatever I want. I guess I always wanted that from my mother. I never have been sure whether or not she has ever taken me seriously.

This is frustrating.