Lessons Learned: A passage written about what I've learned through my journey over the course of the last two years

I am a new woman…understanding now moreso than ever, the infamous statement by more seasoned women throughout life…”if only I knew then…what I know now.” At twenty-seven years of age, I am blessed to know as much as I do. Some can argue, and I might also, that knowing more about the world, life and society is not always the most life enhancing. At the same time, it is extremely.

In developing, the more I have come to know has taken away from the overwhelming feeling of certain emotions… submitting to Darwin’s theory- of survival of the fittest –growing to be numb is the way most people learn how to survive. The ethical ramifications as it pertains to life is…just how healthy can this be? Regardless of health issues- I did it. I’m doing it everyday. I am three weeks from completing a Master’s Degree in Urban Affairs. Touche, your remark…is “so what…” or… “congratulations…but lots of people do that all the time.” The growth has come as a result of more recent experiences not specifically from obtaining a credential.

So what exactly are the lessons learned? (A special thank you to all of my amazing friends – you have been my life coaches – you all deserve a gold star – I really appreciate you)

1. I define me: If I can help it, I will never in this life allow anyone to make me feel as if I have less to offer than what I know about who I AM…and what I can do. I will not be defined by the title held within any organization or company or even life role. I shall not succumb to your opinion of me. Screw you. Manipulators… be aware– you have a lot of growing to do- Good luck.

2. The importance of boundaries: The true testament of self-discipline stems from the ability to create an organized agenda and stick to it. External factors will always persist. It is important to understand that those who you love and those that love you will be supportive, even when stating: no, I am not available. At the time, it may not be appreciated, but in the end– fear can not rule this decision. The only person responsible for finishing what is necessary is me. If boundaries are set, those that love you will still remain at your side.

3. Self trust: Guilty as charged. Lacking faith in personal decisions is most detrimental to happiness. Accountability for actions is dependent upon me. I am fortunate to have many beautiful people in my life, offering support and guidance, some by request and others voluntarily. Some of it GREAT… and reflecting, some of it pretty awful. The only one that knows the outcome is God, but the only one required to live it is Andrea. Thanks mom for consistently being diplomatic in your approach when discussing life and all it has to offer. You have given me untouchable skills to think through events and challenges and see light at the end of a dark and narrow tunnel. Also, you have encouraged me to tap into my heart and to ‘trust my gut.’ For this (and of course for life and everything else about you), I am grateful.

4. Best Friends: “When God brings you to it, he will bring you through it…” but sometimes, so will great friends. I always thought I was a loner. I’ve learned that when it comes to friendship, the amount of time you’ve known someone certainly can not be the foundation for granting this privilege. I love those that have my best interest at heart, even if it means I get six to ten calls/text messages a day (when I’m trying to study) just to see how I am doing –more specifically when I have to shut the phone off and don’t return your messages, it wasn’t taken as a personal attack. A good friend of mine stated: “That friendship will not always be equal…” but what is important is presence when the time comes. This two year rotation of my life did not fly by— at all. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you. I love each and everyone of you for your positive thoughts and encouragement and for your love and support.

5. Love: It doesn’t wait. It just comes knocking when you least expect it and further when you really don’t have time to deal with it. Ambitious women seemed to be faced with this decision at least once. I knew this already, but something has got to give for all the people of this world that long to be loved. Occupy your time and forget about it, I promise you it will show up inconveniently. My very best friend has also been the love of my life. A lot of growth has come from his presence, guidance and support.

6. Self-Destruction: Alcohol, cigarettes and other contraband (NO DRUGS OF COURSE) do not serve as beneficial in the end. I’m still trying to figure what my positive vice will be to assist through rough patches. I worked really hard to achieve certain goals. I am overwhelmed and a little angry with myself for splashing gasoline on my efforts and even moreso for lighting the match. Like Dori says in finding Nemo: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” Having submerged a thousand leagues under the sea, once, twice, three times… four? Each time I am thankful to surface and breathe, this time however, I can reflect and say…”WHAT THE HELL?” I make my life more difficult then it needs to be… and it just isn’t worth it.

7. K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple stupid): Applying the fundamentals of Earth Science and applicable on so many levels, I am guilty of avoiding certain tasks or responsibilities whether it be something to complete or just for Andrea.

Mr. Thomas a.k.a Dad told me a while ago, that I am my own worst enemy… subtly he has also shared that– conforming to social standards is unnecessary and life is all about happiness…make it happen. Well, that’s what I’m gonna do. Not that I have EVER lived life according to the rules, and yes… I do pride myself in that, I’ve learned that I am so tired of living for what I think is the right thing to do versus what I actually want to do. Hey, this falls into the category of self-trust… but really the goal here is to trust that I can succeed in life by doing what makes me happy and setting the priority of developing a core– and then radiating through life from it.

8. Positive women: Thanks be to God for the positive women of my life. These women have loved me enough to say on some level… Andrea… “you got it going on…” I have learned so much from you. That’s not to be taken for granted. It wasn’t until recently that I learned just how many women do not even have this in their lives. Overwhelmingly it brings me to tears to know that I am blessed with so many. Thank you. I love you.

These are but a few of the many lessons I have learned on my continued journey…

2009- Year in Review

Its over... the after math begins. As I knew that 2009 would be one of the hardest years, such as Haiti - I am faced with the process of picking up the pieces. No matter what, I am truly thankful for every last experience that I have incurred.

I flipped my world upside down. I flew the coup in the early part of the year to bust out of my house and to help a friend. While it has been quite the roller coaster it has truly been an experience. From meeting new people, to experiencing the technical difficulties of apartment living, to even just delegating my own time according to how I feel. FREEDOM!

The beautiful relationship--most were so in love with also came to an end. A long...tumultuous end. While we had one great year, we had one really bad year and it was too damaged to continue. As I try to gather myself, I can't help but to think about some of the things that I could've done better...some of the things that I wanted him to do better...and how unfair that can be at times. At this stage, it no longer matters. He has been my best friend through and through. So doesn't it seem really off the wagon that our relationship has hit the wall? I take full responsibility for the personal issues that I have been dealing with...and trust they are plentiful... He has been my rock on so many levels, exploring creative ways to help me get to next steps, learning who I am and how I function- only to share the methodology of how to continue doing it x way. (If you're reading, I almost bought a yellow wallet today--- this was recommended in the book you shared :) )

The truth is I love you whole heartedly... I wish I didn't feel the need to push everybody away when I need to heal my sorrows... when I need to motivate and take control of my life. It is actually because I have trouble keeping my eyes on the prize. Those in my circle know what the prize is... and have encouraged me the whole way through to get where I want to be. They all have the utmost faith in me- yet they're the people that I have to flee from, just so I can figure it out on my own.

I am sorry that things did not work out the way we wanted them to. I truly am, you are so special and I thank you entirely for the way you have given yourself to me. I sit here tearfully and wished I could have everything... according to you and according to me. Our thought process is so different...not to mention, I'm exhausted at the end of the day from battling the many demons that continue to enter my path. The biggest one at the forefront- which is no easy feat. Thanks for putting up with me.

Over the course of the last year, I have had to admit a lot of things to myself, that most never want to own up to. I am proud of myself for facing up to them, but damn...does it hurt. Coming to terms with yourself and understanding how you affect others or even moreso--how your own actions affect your life is difficult.

In the year 2009, I broke the foundation for what were some very bad habits that I developed and through the process I acquired many amazing skills. YES.

Blessings amongst the clutter.

During my traveling years of self exploration, a friend of mine once shared the following quote: "Never own more than you can carry." I admired her for her minimalist personality and her ability to be disconnected to material items. Years before she shared with me this special quote, I was reading a book by Iyanla Vanzant entitled: Faith in the Valley: Lessons for Women on their journey to peace and there was a specific passage that really stood out in my mind which mentioned that blessings could be hidden in the most discreet locations- In the top of the closet, in the basement, under the sink in the bathroom. When your life and affairs are in order -- you can travel the road less burdened. I've found that she was right.

I have this tendency in my life to flow like the wind-moving from one place to the next in a two year rotation. I am learning that my high school years were extremely critical to my development. It was certainly a transition for me from child to teen to adult. Aside from the actual physical encounters and emotional affects, about seven years ago my grandmother on my mom's side came to live with us in Long Island as she was getting older and unfortunately not able to take care of herself as independently as she used to. On moving day, I was finally granted permission to move into my older sister's former room which was the garage. That was a challenge all by itself--- I think that she is guilty of the same thing as me. I cleaned out her room and took my time to organize and chronicle her life. All she had to do was give me the ok to throw certain items away. In moving into her former space and taking the time to make it my own, I completely left my old life behind. Completely. In 2005, my grandmother died and the room was pristined for a little bit of time, and admittedly became the family storage unit. Noone had the heart to alter the room, since it still had her fragrance in addition to the setup of her nightly routine with her clothes neatly laid out. The sight of this room plagued us all, and the convenience of having a dumping ground was certainly helpful. Upon reflecting on the passage from Iyanla Vanzant recently, I felt compelled to take that responsibility of cleaning out the obscene battle ground the room had become. For a month, I prepared myself for this occasion. I gave forewarning to all parties involved and incorporated through my Christmas shopping helpful boxes which have been used to sort certain items.

The benefit of overhauling this room at my mother's house was not only to satisfy organizational purposes--but in my own selfish reasoning to explore a life I once knew. My grandmother was living in my old room, since noone thought that it would be her permanent location- it was untouched and filled with my entire childhood. Every last little tidbit that was left behind. I do honestly feel guilty for having my grandmother live in this type of lifestyle, but it was better to have a filled room, than an empty room and she was always so loving and accepting.

Cleaning this room has proven therapeutic for me... I actually think I've been depressed my entire life.

Debt.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I don't owe you anything? Did I forget to mention that...!!!?? Regardless of me forgetting to mention it... What actually made you expect that to begin with? I don't understand, could you please clarify that for me?

2009 - 45 days left to go....

I stumbled upon my own blog today and it has been abandoned for reasons unknown. A girlfriend of mine invited me to one of her blogs and sure enough my interest was piqued and I decided to take a gander at my own. While I had thought the last blog I composed was in April or May, I realized it was March 3 and today is November 16. Needless to say its been quite a while since I've passed over this... How does a writer begin to explain? Perhaps this is where the void in my life needs to be filled.

The truth is that when time is not taken to do those passionate agenda items on a daily basis... a void is created due to lack of self fulfillment. I've been working myself toward the 2009 year in review blog... (coming soon...so stay tuned!) it may however be more of a mini-book than it will be a blog. Reason being...as previously stated-when the clock struck midnight on January 1 of this year, I knew that it would be one of the hardest years of my life and it has been. (One of the hardest...not the hardest) From moving out on my own to taking on Graduate School, to being a Godmother, a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend... a girlfriend then best friend/life partner. A rebel...a secretary (for the first time in my life!) a ditz... an alcoholic...a depressed character from the reality show called life... a teenage rebel... a self defiant bitch... an angry woman... a sad girl...a confused person, a disabled person, a medicated person, a selfish chica... a peasant...the butt of jokes... the victim... the insecure one and 'overly secure' one, the chubby one...the smoker... the bad friend...the distant one. The awarded one, the ambitious one...the wanna-be...the incompetent...the damaged and sub-average one... The spiteful one, the oppositional one and the cheap one...

Though I've been a lot of things this year and in my life in general my year in review will allow me to peacefully say... I've shed this skin...and 2010 will be so much brighter. (Graduation in June is on the horizon...)

Interestingly enough, the girlfriend who brought me here today shared with me a tidbit of information that all writer's must know...to write every day. "No matter what" she exclaimed, "you have got to write every day." I somehow believe in my own twisted mind capacity, I often do things backwards and opposite as you'll read in Like Nike...just do it... so perhaps my New Year's/Birthday Resolution will be to challenge myself N O T to write every day...and maybe to gain 40 lbs while I'm at it ;) In challenging myself to eat more...maybe I will lose weight. HAAA...imagine that. Thank you friend for welcoming me back home to blogger...

Talk to you soon.

I totally dig it...

Here I am sitting in my new apartment and I totally dig it. It's my first weekend to myself to walk around and experience the neighborhood---I'm completely speechless...ok maybe not, since I'm writing this blog :)

Empowered Women... (a satire)

I am an empowered woman. I am so empowered...that I forget to be courteous. I forget to say thank you when someone opens the door.

I am so empowered...I walk around with hair under arms in my tiny tank top. I refuse to feed into society's definition of hygiene. I'm so empowered, I refuse to cover my mouth when I cough, or excuse myself when I belch. I am woman. HEAR ME ROAR.

Just so you know...I purposely carry my purse with my elbow sticking out so noone can pass...they need to know... THIS is my space and if to pass, I shall not kow tow, you will simply have to walk around.

I am so empowered, if someone says hello as I pass, I hold my head high... or stare blankly without reply. It is not ok to talk to me. I am an empowered woman.

I'll sing as loud as I please... in my apartment, on city buses, on trains... if you dare seem the least bit interested...I will sing louder, so you know...your thoughts don't affect me. I am empowered, yes you see.

I'm so empowered, I will smile in your face and pretend my life...is A-OK to all around me, with the exception of those beneath me...noone cares about the way they feel... Why should I?, I'm empowered...right? I'm so empowered, I don't believe I have to change. I don't believe change is necessary. Who needs growth? This man better pick up my tab... who does he think I am... I am too classy for that. I am so divine, can't you see I'm an empowered woman... I bought these $1300, shoes...so really you owe me...you owe me because I look so fabulous... I'm empowered. YES...ME! I live in a shell...a bubble.

I am an empowered woman.

note: This is everyone woman who was too strong to admit they were really just acting like a jerk.